Day 345: Dark Mind, Dark World
Day 345: Dark Mind, Dark World
That aspect of Diligence where through new experience of myself with new perspectives seeing Diligence in looking at my past and reviewing old relationships, I saw how often I had done the same old thing of dusting off my feet of someone or their house and walked away from them, forever. Such a final judgement I had made, where looking at it now I see how walking away had become a part of me from a young age as my stock solution to a problem, where I see now that I had defined myself as always ready to go.
And through Diligence I saw there were these instances scattered through my life of relationships left behind and torn with ragged edges, unfinished, unresolved, seeing people who had come into my life that I had later on abandoned, that I could have stuck with, stood beside, and yet had chosen not to. A perspective of my past that is something new to me, like opening my eyes and seeing these beings far away from me in darkened lands, foundering into consequence that need not perhaps to have been like that, had I been different in myself.
And when I consider who I was within and as the embodiment of the cursory personality, I can understand how Diligence itself was at that time something alien to me: diligence in the form of bearing with myself in the midst of making mistakes, and bad experiences, rather than just simply going away from them, with learning from a situation as a completion in a way, in which it may have been possible for differences to be resolved, and for decisions to be made not in conflict or anger. And yet walking out on someone or from something in myself I had accepted and allowed a pattern in which I did not learn but instead returned into the pattern of following my old way of walking out and embodying that arrogance of the cursory personality in relation to other beings that I had met along the way.
And here in allowing myself to see things differently through redefining diligence and seeing it unfolding new perspectives of myself as well in slowing down within myself and noticing these references to relationships of the past that remain within me unresolved, I see also the points of both regret and guilt within me that I had accepted and allowed as part of me, as consequences in a way that I had accepted that came along with living out this cursory
design, within which what I had learned was how to tolerate and cope with a shadow in my life that accompanied my walking out and leaving things as unresolved.
And so within that what I’d done was to define myself as burdened by these things, as willing in myself to be burdened, I saw myself as burdened, carrying a burden, and I was careless whether or not my body could take the strain. Being as within my mind, I passed the burden on and did not care, while in my mind I found some sign of inner righteousness to support the punishment of myself, or in my willingness to pay the fine for some transgression that enabled me to go on as before, because I could afford it more and more as guilt became more tolerable within me.
But something that I saw within the guilt surrounding the regret of, in this example of walking out on someone in some way and losing contact with them through the years, and then finally altogether, was in my relationship to guilt itself of: Here is a little guilt, that is nothing compared to the greater guilt that I have learned to tolerate as part of my experience of myself, so I can deal with that, I can cope with that, I know that I can overlook it, in my greater current of benevolence in my mind, where my good intentions I have accepted and allowed myself to believe outweigh my actual deeds that remain as physical incidents within my secret past.
And so of course I hardly need to ask myself, as if I do not know, what exactly is the greater guilt that overshadows and makes trivial all the lesser guilts, the greater guilt that in a way justifies them all, that makes me certain in my cursory designs that I can tolerate each and every burden. And just as obviously this is something that I would find so hard to talk about, to open up, and to admit to, and to share with even me, that relationship that I walked out on, having walked out of all relationships to everyone in my teenage life, I rounded up with only me, and then decided in my mind to walk out on this one too.
Imagine: when you curse the entire universe with all your heart, send out a shockwave of blame at all in life and at living itself and then decide to kill your own physical body, and put an end to everything – and then to fail, fail to die, fail to draw attention even – then something that comes back from that can be a guilt as universal, equally as universal as the blame itself, a guilt that darkens one’s life, a guilt that creates a dark world, and a life from which one hides and cowers away from, as if the truth of who one really is is too intense and piercing and too deeply criminal to be exposed, and yet all the time is quietly if unconsciously fully viewed by all.
Something like that would be the main dramatic background of this emotional life – something that I had managed to not notice, to become accustomed to, a life in which I was certain that other guilt experience could easily be managed, and so be tolerated within the greater scheme of things.
Towards taking the charge out of the word Suicide, I realise as I am writing this, that seeing it in the context that I have described – as another instance of me walking out on a relationship – I see that looking at it in this way, that I can look at all the instances when I actually and in fact did do this, walk out on other beings in my life, as well as walk out on my own, and though I do not feel good about these events – I sense an opening for me – where I can remain upon the ground and can forgive myself. And in making self forgiveness possible for me, that I can see it would be a necessary gift for me to go into that experience that I have so far only partially opened up for me which would be to redefine myself into and as self forgiveness as who I am.
Ok: So posting this – and more on this to come…
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