Day 342: Cursory Designs: Fears
Such a great supportive question for me in a moment of looking at how I stand confused within a moment of seeing ‘process’ as outside of me, as this multiple dimensioned complexity, and then here comes along this question/statement which includes the words simply, How and Start, and within those words the practicality of Change.
So today starting here: learning to Embrace myself and staying with me in looking at Who I Am in a moment of Conflict, therefore I look into this conflict moment where I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and entertain a line of backchat programming as the thin end of a wedge in which the Cursory personality design is triggered and then begins to unfold: here as I have seen is the inversion of Care and through that the sabotage of Diligence, as something I can practically live.
Who am I within this moment of abandoning what I am doing, to leave a task unfinished, to allow myself to go into an en-trance of the pattern of Who Cares? And, I don’t Care, and, It doesn’t matter, and to then go into an area of experience in which giving up is somehow glorified as me-time, while the task in hand that is in support of me seems drained of purpose or reward into images of me enslaved, in slavery. It is like there is a moment that comes along while doing a task in which my heart drops out of it, and then after that come up the excuses of Who Cares? And its variations. Excuse: I mean by that a justification for not being here responsible in word and deed in this moment in my own life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see that I am responsible for giving permission to my mind to be the bully, to take the role of being the fear inducing one within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see that I have made myself comfortable within myself within being bullied by my mind so that I can continue with a sense of righteousness in who I am as blame, and not have to see my responsibility within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the victimhood that I have chosen in relation to the programmes of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see the truth about myself that I am responsible for living as an experience of my own judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing in my mind an image of myself as enslaved and being obedient to authority, and even to my own authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge obedience to authority as a sign of weakness and inferiority, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see myself as embodying inferiority and weakness that I have judged within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide these insights into parts of me from me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to insights into me by giving permission to my mind to shift into distraction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as disempowered within distraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a fatal energy in which suddenly I accept that there is nothing I can do, that my efforts count for nothing, that what I am doing is futile, that inevitably what I will experience is failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in believing in this fatal energy to have kind of then relaxed into it, and accepted and allowed myself to give to giving up on me a positive experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within this and so to fear to see myself within this positivity in giving up on me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through hiding these parts of me from me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see this design of persuasion to not make the effort for me in support me, and then feel ok about returning to the programs of the mind.
There is a fear in this moment of losing myself within being forced into doing something that I do not want to do; that if I was to simply continue with the task at hand that I would somehow lose myself, that any time for me would then be all used up. And this even though what I am doing is for me, is in support of me. It is like who I am within this ‘me’ is the one that is dedicated to play truant from the school of life.
What kind of a world is it that I project with standing in the words: Who Cares? Here I see the underlying statement that exists within the question, that is: No one Cares. A statement of blame. Thin end of the wedge: because ‘Who Cares?’ comes up as with a shrugging off, no matter, it is nothing, as if the choice were trivial, not worth stopping for a moment of serious consideration; when all the time, the decision itself beneath this overlay is actually crucial, like a fork in the road.
continuing in next post
What does it mean, this Redefinition and living of words? Self Creation : SOUL
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