Day 340: Cursory vs Diligence
The ‘How’ of Diligence: in changing the nature of my engagement with the moments that arrive, taking into practice the changes that I have made to me in redefining the word Diligence – in words as being components of my mind – walking this in real time – I am finding Diligence to be coming up all over the place – such as in picking things up off the floor, or doing that thing before I go out of the door, there is a kind of equalization going on of things to be attended to – and yes, early days – but in beginning to walk this change I notice also other aspects of the definition that I previously did not notice, that I was living before, as if I have a new platform from which to see my old ways of engaging with the moments as they came along, and something that I see is how I had lived the opposite to Diligence in accepting and allowing the word Cursory to be plied into my ways – opposite meaning here: in opposition to – and that within that opposition I had chosen sides.
Cursory: meaning going rapidly over things, without attention to the details, being hasty, superficial, haphazard, careless of the job, such as wiping down a table in a cursory manner. And in looking into how I’ve been in Cursory, sounding Curse-Sorry, I see how I have taken in judgements of the ways I’ve done things in a cursory way, and then have created a personality to defend myself from the consequent experience: a personality that stands for and as judgements of expressions of Diligence, such as backchats of ‘you are so’ Fussy, Pernickety, and things like that – perceptions of others as being mean about control – being rigid, something wrong with them, spiteful thoughts, like curses – like that’s the way I do things – like it or lump it, or do the other thing – and then with that curse, a sorry as in making a job that is an apology for what it is supposed to be, and in a way, a rather sad version of itself. So a spiteful personality that is at war with diligence, with Cursory as a life-style that has to be defended. And, interestingly, there is the final trump card to be played, of: ‘I Don’t Care’. What is interesting to me about this is how the word Care plays a part both in Cursory and in Diligence, that the Care component has been kind of extracted out of Diligence, and inverted in Cursory.
As a line of backchat coming up in my mind – I called this a trump card – and I recognize in this the game-play and the competition gambit – but also the energetic strength that I have given in to it – given in – in the sense that in and as a part of a reaction, like for example thoughts coming together that suddenly lead into a bad experience in my mind – there are times when rather than just stopping and breathing and sorting things out with myself, as in asking me: What am I accepting and allowing that I am within these things? – Which would be an example of Diligence – Instead I have accepted and allowed this ‘I don’t care’ backchat line to act as a pivot into deciding for distraction into some different area for my attention. Like going into an automation of suddenly turning away, seeing something else, and forgetting all at once. And looking at this I see how this Cursory personality design has a trump like strength, quite a bully in a way, amongst my personalities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this personality design by giving in and giving up on myself when this line of backchat comes into my mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with a frisson of positive energy in an idea in my mind of who I am as being assertive, in an assertion of a belief of freedom and winning, in a petulance of going: Well I don’t have to – look at this – if I don’t want to, sort of walking by a bad experience in myself that nevertheless still remains within me, and getting ‘by’, accepting and allowing who I am as an apology for myself as a sad version of something that I could be.
What does it mean, this Redefinition and living of words? Self Creation : SOUL
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