Day 325: Due Diligence
Something different in me that I have developed in this process is that when a memory comes up, rather than going immediately into and as the experience of it, I tend more to looking at the questions: What is the point in this? What was the point within this memory that was the cause of me preserving and saving it? What was the construct or reaction system that determined where I’d keep it, store it? What is happening now within my current life that this memory should arise to meet it? Questions like that and around that: I mean not in such a regimented and ordered way as how it may seem as I write this out, and try to list it, but in the general nature of my reception of it.
And here comes up an old one that’s been around for ages: I took it into me watching the TV when I was young: it was an adventure in which there was only one way through the mountain, and that was through a cave that led into the core of the volcano, and the only way to go was to shuffle along a narrow ledge above the pit so as to reach the tunnel that would lead to safety. That sideways walk along the ledge represented in my mind the metaphor of a fear that existed in me, that sort of formed the shape of it, the definition of it. There are varying ways to interpret such a thing and analyze it, but looking at it today I see how within the ‘Don’t look down!’ as a safety tip, there was a suggested relationship of how to be towards my own self definition. Believing that: if I was to look at it, then the fear was that I would fall into it, that I would fall into the experience of it.
The context of all that, I mean the context of me in which this memory comes up is in my current investigation into diligence and looking at the ways and means that I have defined myself both within it and literally without it, in relation to it, where in seeing how I had made of it a positive, and how I had defined into it realizations of how I am towards perfection. As I gradually walk through all the information that comes up in me I see a pattern that I have lived in how I am in projects of many kinds, in which I have jumped straight in quite comfortable and enthusiastically at first, but then have come to a point where doubts intrude, and I stray into separation from myself in considering what I imagine in my mind to be other people’s expectations and assessments of what I am doing, and through this process, lose touch with myself within and as the starting point of what I am doing.
And today this aspect of the word Diligence, ‘Due Diligence’ comes along as another aspect to be looked at in this project.
Due Diligence: as in the archetypal blindfolded Lady of Justice, the one with the scales: that represents attention being paid to all parties and witnesses involved in a specific incident in an even and equal way. While here with me in the sphere of introspection then an image of perfection arises in which there are ideally no cases of resistance to what comes up inside in one’s mind, no witnesses that go missing, not heard: no aspects, faces, facets, details, considerations, no stones left unturned, in which the scales do not just swing one way or another, but in a multidimensional balancing and weighing up of everything.
Seeing this image of perfection in myself that I have projected as in due diligence amongst all of these dimensions, as in the dimension of seeing what I have done, what I have expressed, described, outlined, and a whole array of other words, the dimension of: Through the Eyes of Others, where in a way that I protect myself with seeing others thusly in my mind, as all seeing, as all knowing, as comfortable and at ease in within personifying Perfection, that within that my reaction is like in a total shut down of the whole investigation, in which I look down – as into the pit of me – and see an image of myself as floundering about in useless one-dimensionality, that can never reach the point, the understanding, the solution. And in seeing in this looking down and then experiencing these definitions of myself that I have made, in this pattern I then re-establish the final step, which is the giving up on me.
And what I see now is simply the mistake of an emotional response to doubt, which may have in itself been entirely practical, about an understanding of myself, where instead of like at this juncture in a project, taking a deep breath and a moment of my time getting back to me, and checking out this doubt constructively, I have instead spun off into and through the eyes of others, that is as I have accepted and allowed it to be so: to be through the eyes of Perfect, and then towards the world as a stadium of through the eyes of others, I have magnified all of this projected judgement of myself – really as a point of safety – safety from the experiences of having made mistakes, been in delusion, forgotten something crucial, not having walked this quite exactly right, or effectively.
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