Day 320: Diligence and Care
There’s nothing like being wanted or being welcomed, being valued – a sentiment shared I am sure by many a traveller along the winding roads. For me, I’ve noticed something more within the depths of this: something that would make such a thought more striking, more vibrant, more vital in a way, and I arrived at this through seeing relationships that I had made to points in me of giving up on me, points that I had not been aware of until now, but had somehow long time got along with in my life.
There are so many millions of specific details that we engage with in our everyday lives and moments that one could say it’s just coincidental that such and such a thing would suddenly be there before our eyes reflecting what is going on inside, or echoing some recent words that have been in our minds, or something else that happened recently, and the more and more it happens, the more it seems the inner and the outer reality are in some kind of inconceivable mutual embrace, as if the medium of me kind of spreads into the outer world, and the definition of me seems in that moment, too narrow and constricted.
And I find this kind of comforting, I like it, I relax into it; I know there’s nothing much I can do with this perception of things on any level, excepting welcoming a reminder that my definition of me is really just a frame through which I see things and through which I see myself, and a reminder that this frame is only how I’ve placed it and become used to it, and become so used to living it. So there is a sense of taking off the pressure and the holding to this frame, and once again being open to that there is something else, something more to this.
And so as I’m walking down a hill, with a view across this city, with a break between the clouds when for a moment the sun splashes light across it all, and in that moment also a gentle breeze rustles in my hair; a sense of something intimate and near to me that brings me back to here; such a delicate and subtle realization, that us beings here have only to simply share ourselves to shed forever this illusion and torment of our consciousness.
Thus in carrying with me this little no towards the mind, a littleness to suit the seedling nature of my being, this no that is for certain real and part of me, and that I commit myself to take care of; standing in respect of this in me, and me in this, I am nourishing a new relationship within me, a bond of real care, the beginnings of a living care.
So in the course of my decision to change myself, my programming, specifically as meandered through in the last few posts, in relation to the word Diligence, in using the tools of definition and redefinition of words, to deliberately bring Diligence into me and as a part of me, that I can deliberately live this word as assistance and support of me, rather than in some way choosing to continue living without it, in the illusion or excuse that I can not have this, be this, or embrace this because of how I am and what according to my mind, I find myself to be.
So it may be or it may not be a lengthy process to walk the subsidiary words I find in Diligence, I cannot tell, although for sure already I have found much in the way of self obstruction that has previously made the word almost an anathema to me, an anathema to that petulance in me that wants things done immediately in total arrogance and disregard of the nature of physical reality. But for sure how long this might take is not a factor in a proven plan to wake up in this physical dimension of reality.
And so, back to the plan, and the point that I was writing out in the introduction of this post – and just to mention here as it occurs to me, this dimension of space in which I give myself time for my disposal, to attend to detail, as another aspect of Diligence – and so, noting that, but going back to where I started out this post, to relationships that I had made to points within me of giving up on me.
It was something the Atlanteans asked me to consider: do I really self honestly have a care for me? And to me the answer to this was quite a shock, that looking into me I saw that actually no, I had no feeling for me, nothing actually real or tangible in the way of consideration or support, that in me this word Care was derelict: unlived-in.
That giving up on me was something I was aware of, and had within that giving up, withdrawn care for me, and that awareness was a thing that I had covered up; I did not want to realize and then experience how I really felt about my parents’ attitude to me, and I discovered that if I were to side with them I could share in their disdain, and so I made a system out of this, in which I projected this responsibility of having given up on me, onto my family group, and later onto my school group, and onto relationships and groups in general in the world, it became a part of my consequential reality, I mean I came to see this as something real, and I came through that to see that I was justified within my mind of a perception of others giving up on me, to then go ahead and use this as a point of blame, and then evolving ‘me’ into: Ok inevitably, I am on my own, because ultimately you don’t care for me.
Seeing this aspect of myself, this aspect of the frame through which I see this ‘me’, I look at who I am within communication, and sharing of myself, seeking out perspectives of myself, asking for support and I see myself reaching out through a filter of ‘begging for a moment of your time’ from those I see as having actually already given up on me, and so I see myself making a presentation of myself as being ‘worthwhile’ in some way or another – kind of trying to sell my worthiness to a reluctant listener that is busy on other things, and then this point overrides the point that I wanted to share, because in their response to me I am looking to detect some sign of recognition, and within that I have become deaf to what is actually being said to me or shown to me.
So then there comes along this point of becoming dependent on others not giving up on me, in which I have not allowed myself to see that I have chosen to depend on this, rather than facing this primary aspect of myself that I have given up on me. And within this believing they can see potential in me, I interpret support as a belief in me, and take away from this a belief in me as who I am – that they can see potential in me that I cannot see within myself, in which within my mind my own potential is then but a belief within my mind, and meanwhile, entertaining such beliefs I do not question what is underneath that I have chosen to protect and keep in place, this spitefulness towards myself that I imitated as a strategy so long ago.
Thence comes clear those movie hooks of recognition moments, like at last they believe in me, or see me as I really am, and yet accept me, or meet me finally beyond the tribulation, that mutual embrace of beings and of a reality that has been doubted, that jerks a tear, an experience of release, and realization that all of it was an illusion. And the stranger, wandering the roads, is received in natural welcome.
continuing next time
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