Day 317: Diligence and Futility

Day 317: Diligence and Futility


Seeing in redefining Diligence for me, the question: What is my starting point within this project? What is here in me here, from where I am, that is seeing this project, and allowing an excitement of the energy in seeing a vision of it done, securing in a way a belief that I would know in advance how that would be, what that would mean, who I would be within that meaning.

So here like a perspective of this starting point, I see how the word Futility comes up; that in raising a vision of an ‘unconditional diligence’, I am seeing how in my mind this would be kind of viewing Diligence from a background context of the conditions set by the word Futility, like there is a question here of how can I release myself from this Futility, that I have accepted and allowed to be the way it is within my mind?


Continuing from the previous writing: where what I looked at last was an experience of Futility, where the addition of an experience into the word Futility became a belief and a definition of Who I Am within Futility as first and foremost an experience, an emotion, a sort of rock-bottom reminder of a reality that was there in me, that was part of who I am embodying Futility as an inevitable giving in and giving up that could only be delayed, the fateful dawning of a cold truth in a pointless venture, a point in which purpose evaporates, and action is stalled.


It’s interesting how in following a programming or a construct such as this, seeing how it eventually reaches into time and space, where decisions have been made, and actions taken and non actions in the physical: outplays of the presence of this word in my mind and the relationships that I have accepted and allowed, all these definitions of myself contained within the dramas of my mind, without any real connection to the physical world.


Within this futility experience also is a come down from the experience of hope, and the loss of hope, here the structures of a pattern and a trigger in my mind, evolved and streamlined into just a quick jab, a fleeting reference to a darkness in myself I dare not face, that I really do not want to hear about, be reminded of.


Going back to: It is in reaction to that separation from self honesty that in such moments, looking into that apparent void, I have accepted and allowed the word Futility to overwhelm me. That point of acceptance and allowance: in which I have quietly assented to this drama of experience, in which the entire context of existence is the thing to blame, and within that sweeping judgement I salvage some righteousness and superiority towards it all, and protecting that, I protect my disempowerment.


So in a way to put Futility back on its feet: a practical perspective with regards to the laws of physics in which some things are possible and other things are not, in which something works or not. Futility standing as a guide to boundaries of practicality: therefore within this as a guide to action, rather than defined within the confines of my relationships to me and parts of me, within my mind, in which Futility has stood as an emotional trigger for a complete collapse of action.


So yes seeing how Futility can be freed up as a resource for decisions of activity and action – and different actions – I will continue with this next time.





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