Day 316: Active Patience: Diligence: a Structured Plan
Active Patience: Diligence: a Structured Plan
Diligence: its history: the roots of Diligence come through old French from Latin, carrying senses of Attentive, Assiduous, Careful, to then evolve additionally senses of Love, and Steady Effort, also, senses of Haste, and Speed.
Even standing as a kind of outline in the catalogue of definitions printed in the dictionary, I mean by outline, kind of pre-defined, suggested, but as yet unlived, Diligence seems already to be furnished with a practical array and combination of supportive subsidiary words.
I mean living these words; each of them combined together into an unconditional diligence, that is without the energetic programs, a plan already in the dictionary. How and in what way could I bring this word into my practical living change, because I see how Diligence speaks of a fluid Patience, relationships to Action and Purpose and Time, and I see how it could support me in a Process of Change, in space-time, through Practice.
Yes practice, because for me, that illusion of change through the instantaneous and imagination/thought perspectives of the mind has become almost second nature, in the sense that I can so easily believe it when a word comes up, that yes this is who I am, in this moment, and then in constantly becoming the word as a temporary experience, and the word after that and after that, a chain of experiences blend together, where in all of it I have no intimate relationship with me of who I am within and as the words I speak, but what I have instead is a series of experiences of beliefs that this is me, speaking honestly, that is according to these beliefs.
What I have done is make a habit of using this facility of simulating words inside my mind, and in so doing, within the conversation for example, enter into a sense of hollowness, and that realization of that I am not here really, in this string of words, that I have shifted into simulation, I have reacted to a word somewhere along the way.
Taking a step back here, giving me some space, supports me in this process where I have just slipped into a sort of programmed exchange between two minds in a projected world, where within that I have let a reaction to a word or to a memory slide into the forefront of my attention. In such an existence, one might ask, What is really out there? Is it really possible to see the what is here that is in front of me in the form of another person, like as in who are you really, who are we that is in this moment? Within this, a quest for some kind of existential anchor, and a recognition of the void that is without self honesty.
It is in reaction to that separation from self honesty that in such moments, looking into that apparent void, I have accepted and allowed the word Futility to overwhelm me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this word Futility as a doorway into giving up, that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand by ‘there being no solution’, and that’s ‘it’, and that within Futility I have accepted and allowed myself to catalogue a history of Failure; that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a pattern of avoidance of this experience of Futility, and within that become as a victim in the situation that I myself defined, and so in my life, have accepted and allowed the word Futility to control me, to define who I am.