Day 307: ‘Stark’ Reality
A familiar dream or film scenario: an opening of the eyes type of a moment, into a seeing of an underlying ‘stark’ reality, and in the impact of seeing, an added dramatic dimension, a reaction to what has been realized or found or discovered, or for a moment, disclosed, a sort of glimpse with an energetic trigger. Whether I imprinted this from the film world, all those thousands of repetitions of the discovery/disclosure of the body scene, that is then attached to a woman screaming, and intense emotion, or whether I had drawn such material from my own unconscious mind: a repeating nightmare from when I was young, when I would dream that I had just remembered that I had murdered someone and left the body in a cupboard, and the impact of the nightmare would then cause me to wake up…
As in the dream example there is a point that arises in the process of this writing: this waking up of me within a world of words that I find myself to have conditioned and programmed throughout my life without awareness of my own responsibility within and as the definitions of myself that I have stored within them, and so without responsibility for the multiple experience of myself that follows. These are all like micro disempowerments in a macro disempowerment, these singular self-dishonesties of belief in who I am as an emotion or as a feeling in relation to a word, and then somewhere haphazardly and incoherently in relation to this physical world.
All of this around this ‘familiar’ dream or film scenario that I began to write about, and the central feature of this being a moment of seeing an underlying reality, the ‘stark’ reality of who I am within this memory, or this imagination, a moment of self-honesty, in allowing myself to simply look on who I am, no more no less, and then the stark reality of my reactions to this, in which there is no simple looking on any more but instead a shift into experience as who I am as and with the energies of reaction, such as shame, and further to that reacting to this shame with disempowerment. That I stand before this shame in disempowerment; that is real, that is something I can change. I can breathe and I can stand in stability to face this shame and question who I am towards it.
And so: to take this word here, ‘stark’ that goes with ‘stark reality’. Investigating who I am within and towards this ‘stark’ that I have used in my mind to qualify ‘reality’, I find that I have included into ‘stark’ a connection with ‘lacks of’, such as in a landscape, being stark, it lacks the trees, the soil, that in my mind I have judged as lacking, and so within this judgement have added to the reality a component that is not there, and so have interpreted a landscape as having this lack within it that only exists within my mind. In my mind I have a imagined a world without my decorations and embellishments and rose-tints as being ‘bare’ and inferior.
What then, as I face the ‘stark’ reality of the world in which in every place I look, I find this lacking, not realizing how I have entwined into the world this lacking that I have lived in ‘stark’, and in myself, in seeing the stark reality of me, I have already programmed into this an experience of lacking, and within that a path into reaction and fear of what it is that I am seeing. And so therefore taking ‘stark’ and clearing out these tendencies, to have ‘stark’ stand for a no-more-and-no-less-than-ness. And sounding ‘stark’ I bring in ‘start’, that in awareness of a stark reality I realise and understand that here I start reality, can start a change, from this point of seeing myself no more no less, that within the stark reality of myself I see my actuality in an actual world, embrace myself within that actuality, and that from this point empower myself to change what I am actually doing so that I am living in assistance and support of me, can connect actuality to actuality and therefore start to actually move.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the ‘stark’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to my perspective of the reality of myself; what it is that I actually really and in fact am living and resonating and so exemplifying in this life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition the word stark with a negative energy such as seeing in ‘stark’ an intrinsic lackingness as an imposition of who I am defined within myself as judgement of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word stark as I have rendered it thus within my mind to then function as a cover or disguise of who I am from me in subordination to a fear of self-honesty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this moment of reaction to myself as a trigger into overwhelming energies, in which I have habituated myself into disempowerment as a comfort zone, and within this, not accepting or allowing myself to look upon what I am doing.
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