Day 304: Meaninglessness, and Changing who I am Within ‘Audacity’
Looking at a moment when rather than facing and stabilizing myself before a task that needed to done, I had instead gone into guilt, and was hovering over in a way, pressing the entertainment button on it all; I noticed how I was accepting and allowing a search process to be going on, a reaching out for a formulation of audacity, or for possible ways I might be able to embody this, not from a starting point of supporting myself to face this task, and who I am within and as it, and in disregard for all the energy distractions that were coming up – which would be supportive in a real audacity – towards the systems of my mind – if that word audacity itself had not become so wired with energy designs.
So not from a starting point of supporting myself to face this task, but from a starting point of attempting to realize a personality, to materialize a definition of ‘audacity’ that I held within me, to become and move into an embodiment of that. As in accepting and allowing a judgement of myself defined as not good enough to even begin the task, or as unworthy of the effort, and then an experience of how I had defined myself within this, and then in this pattern gone into guilt; it was in relation to accepting and allowing the play out of all of this, that ‘audacity’ came up, kind of looking for a backdoor through which I justify both denying and then changing the entire context of the situation, so that I can continue to fool myself that I am feeling good, when in point of reality I am not happy with myself at all, and I am alarmed at what I have accepted and allowed myself to become within my own self judgements.
So this is about using a word for an energy maneuver and allowing it to become defined within this function, where the exact same word if cleared of energy designs could instead be used and lived in the exact same situation in support of self and in support of Life.
Promulgated through the media comes this trickle-down effect of personality example. From out of absolute power and absolute corruption now comes a mutated form of audacity: as a flagrant flaunting of the law, as power expressed as righteous supremacy, as having miraculously transcended accountability. We see on screens politicians wriggling amongst their lies, and then when cornered becoming stone-faced in absolute denial – hold it there – that was the specific frame, the memory clip as an example of the ‘audacity’ that I was accepting and allowing myself to put myself in reference to within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to dare to look upon and see my own wrath that I have put on me, but have instead projected this onto an image in my mind of another being. I forgive myself that I have stored this image in my mind as a trophy of blame and a source of energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon this image on the screen, and define it in a damning judgement, saying the words, Such Audacity!
Now looking into this word, I see how it first appeared during the writing of the previous post, in which I was looking at the choice of defining that which I was attending to as a processing of what I had become – as Art – and I can see now looking at this that what I saw in Art that attracted me was differing expressions of audacity.
Walking into Life, like stepping stones into a matrix, I took on and absorbed definitions of myself, word by word, not seeing realizing or understanding that the energy designs within the words would synchronize and lead eventually into a structure that was separate from Life, which was as a system of reactions to myself within my mind.
So here in this blog, looking at a moment in which a lockdown of the resulting programming had occurred, in an epiphany of who I am as ‘lost’ in meaninglessness, in which I had succumbed to experience of myself as a working constellation of beliefs, beliefs of who I am derived from comparison with others, who I am in relationship to the energies inside of me, who I am within and as these patterns into which I have awarded an offering of my own authority, and through that means responded to the voices of these patterns as if to an expression of leadership in my mind.
And so, in the accepted and allowed context of my world, examples of audacity stood out for me, as I scanned my repressed world, as precious objects. Here were contained the blueprint lessons to be memorized absorbed and inwardly digested. A demonstrated disregard for energy beliefs, non recognition of the fear initiatives that accompanied authority, moments of cheek or impudence. Within all of this it seemed to me there was a chink of light; I was not aware of looking at the point that ‘audacity’ was a fact of word, that it could not be un-existed, could not be eradicated; but instead, this understanding filtered through, as if through frosted glass, an emotional screen, and so what I looked at was a light of hope, I saw a demonstration of a world in which experience of lightness, fun, enjoyment, laughter, play, invention and creation, remained inviolable to this version of ‘authority’ as I had accepted and allowed it to exist within my mind. And within all of this there was an awareness in myself that I could not as yet embrace, which was as a glimpse of my potentiality as my own authority within and as myself, not as a point of competition but simply as a quality of this immediate existentiality with reference to how each and everyone had opened up their eyes and found themselves to be.
Audacity: as a suppression of guilt in which I have accepted and allowed myself to swell into this-is-me glorification, self justification, and, I don’t care, I am just doing it anyway. Within this, passively accepting and allowing this gesture to hold sway where this audacity is no longer as a manipulation strategy of a moment, but has become ingrained, has become the page from which I intend to go on; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody this emotion of audacity, to embody a ‘leadership’ placement of myself as an energy point, as a personality within my mind, as an illusion of empowerment in which I have twisted that guilt that I have accepted and allowed, so as to yield an apparent victory over energy, and connected into and as an image of who I am as ‘freedom’ within my sovereign state of ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in notions of winning and losing in relationship to the energy experience of guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am empowered within this audacity relationship to guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define accumulation of energy into the word empower. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my responsibility as power over to guilt, through which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and enfeeble who I am to guilt, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of being overwhelmed by guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into a righteousness of superiority as an accumulation of positive energy through fear of the experience of guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this self manipulation to become as a personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘leadership’ with this experience of myself within and as ‘audacity’, in which apparently I take back ‘control’ and become as a conflict of energy. I see realise and understand that within and as this conflict of energy that I am not in fact leading myself or leading my life in any way but instead I am accepting and allowing me to be lead by energy addiction as this personality of audacity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge audacity when seeing it in the outside world, I forgive myself that I have given to audacity a negative charge, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within and as audacity.
I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see that in the situation of guilt that I was looking for audacity as a way to free myself to be able to move myself, be able to address the guilt, see what judgements of myself I have accepted and allowed as real, and what judgements of myself have in fact been real in relation to what is best for me in support of me and of others. Therefore in audacity, I can use audacity to support me, in a moment of following the audacity pattern, instead I lead myself, I take a breath, I stabilize myself. In breath here I lead myself in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and confine ‘audacity’ within having defined the word in judgement, and through this, seen it as an expression of spite or anger only. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition the word audacity with my relationship experience and blame towards and as the energies that arise within me.
I commit myself to realign ‘audacity’ with physical reality in which the simple boldness of a gesture comes from a starting point of trust in self as life, in support of life. I commit myself to realign ‘audacity’ with simple movement of the body in the flow of breath and life that is without regard to the systems of the mind control, such as stepping through the fear.
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