Day 302: Meaninglessness and ‘Lost’ ‘Control’
Reference –>Here to the Atlantean perspective/series on the system of meaninglessness.
Continuing this series of posts from Day 291, and the decision to bring ‘lost’ into and as an energy source within a system of meaninglessness, and a further look into the semantic world or network of memory, experience and self definition that I had installed into the word ‘lost’.
A reminder of the critical experience (from 293): “…over summer, at the end of school when all the kids I hung around with were going off to different universities, and a comparison came up: they have all got futures, I have not: I have got no future. Their different futures are expressions of their different meaning – therefore: I have no meaning – and so I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of myself as meaninglessness…”
A sense of having lost control: in which ‘control’ had been defined in maintaining various definitions of self, to be integrated into an illusion of self, definitions that were determined by my interpretations of the experience of me through the eyes of others: that was the sense of control that now seemed ‘lost’, so that experience of this became an element of ‘lost’ within my mind.
Writing this I remember thoughts I had at that time, perspectives in which I was looking at an image of myself through the eyes of those around me, such as in imagining my own death, and being buried in the ground, and then, gone, ‘lost’ from the view of those around me. Accepting and allowing this imagination in my mind, I then accepted and allowed this experience of ‘lost’ to then invade and occupy how I had accepted and allowed myself to be in ‘death.’ My simulation of death within my mind then involved this consequential experience of ‘lost’ that played out of the loss of this definition of control.
A memory of a thought in which I was busily defining things long time ago serves to show me a couple more aspects to this: that in this graveyard scene there was much self pity, and also blame towards the people who would apparently walk away and return to their own meanings purposes and lives. Having integrated an illusion of self that was based on projections onto others, the victim role was kind of implicit, and then the option of blame; now that I look at this I see how bringing judgement into it might have been required. Judgement as I had defined it in my experience of life had been an expression of authority and control, coupled with anger and fear inducements: how better else in my mind experience, within and as this paranoia, could I bring about and enforce some black and white simplicity into this grey experience of fear and multiple emotion that I had invested into lost? Control through fear and blame had been the context of my childhood, and in what seemed to me to be an emergency situation, I reverted to it, almost as a natural tool or tendency in my inheritance. This to me at this time was simply the 101 of how to assert control in a tumultuous situation.
How this judgement had an impact on me was through comparison of my being to the beings of others and their ‘worth’, was that I had arrived suddenly into and as a formulation of myself as worthless within this meaninglessness, this was like a lightning strike, in my perception this was like a catastrophic experience. Within this, my respect for me fell down like a stone. What were the constituents of this catastrophe? Looking into this I see through the eyes of who I was in that moment, seeing the ‘End of The World’ closing in on me, and a feeling of collapse into nothingness, within the realization and belief that All had been a fabrication.
Continuing next post…
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EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
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