Day 293: Meaninglessness 2: Backchat
continuing from day 291…
It was over the summer at the end of school, when all the kids I hung around with were getting their results and going off to different universities, and a comparison came up: they have all got futures, I have not: I HAVE GOT NO FUTURE. Their different futures are expressions of their different meanings, therefore, I have no meaning, and so then I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of myself as meaninglessness. I observe these kids making their practical arrangements to go, and I am hanging around, and I think, THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY. In the memory of this experience attached now to these backchats, my body goes into a physical disempowerment, my arms are hanging, I am sort of hovering on my knees, uncertain of my ground. I have gone into an experience of disengagement, and being as stood back from the face of things: where am I to go, where to point my feet. And within this experience of loss in having lost my thread, a sense of emptiness, resourcelessness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these words memories and experiences as subsidiaries to my definition of myself as meaninglessness, where within and as a personality of meaninglessness I have accepted and allowed this sentence THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY to become a trigger as a backchat. It is also a statement of blame: I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame the kids of my group for ‘going away’, as I saw it, through the eyes of my own self interest. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less-than these kids, because I had accepted and allowed within the mind that I HAVE GOT NO FUTURE. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed thus the experience of inferiority within and as a part of my definition of who I am as meaninglessness. Within THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition meaninglessness with blame, and in so doing, that I had avoided the obvious question of my own responsibility. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a victim within the game of blame, and so become a victim within and as who I am as meaninglessness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a physical reaction of disempowerment to follow from this backchat; I disengage this backchat from it’s function in this construct. If as or when it comes up, I will stop, and breathe, I do not accept this backchat anymore. And I check my physical body, is there something held, suspended, and I let my breath out and I make sure that I am here, that my feet are on the ground. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘having a future’ meant to be going to university, which in turn meant having a meaning/purpose, while ‘having no future’ was then, simply, everything else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let these words come up in me and not question them, or cross check them.
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