Day 293: Meaninglessness 2: Backchat

 

pinball-in-the-matrix-w

 

continuing from day 291…

It was over the summer at the end of school, when all the kids I hung around with were getting their results and going off to different universities, and a comparison came up: they have all got futures, I have not: I HAVE GOT NO FUTURE. Their different futures are expressions of their different meanings, therefore, I have no meaning, and so then I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of myself as meaninglessness. I observe these kids making their practical arrangements to go, and I am hanging around, and I think, THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY. In the memory of this experience attached now to these backchats, my body goes into a physical disempowerment, my arms are hanging, I am sort of hovering on my knees, uncertain of my ground. I have gone into an experience of disengagement, and being as stood back from the face of things: where am I to go, where to point my feet. And within this experience of loss in having lost my thread, a sense of emptiness, resourcelessness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these words memories and experiences as subsidiaries to my definition of myself as meaninglessness, where within and as a personality of meaninglessness I have accepted and allowed this sentence THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY to become a trigger as a backchat. It is also a statement of blame: I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame the kids of my group for ‘going away’, as I saw it, through the eyes of my own self interest. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less-than these kids, because I had accepted and allowed within the mind that I HAVE GOT NO FUTURE. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed thus the experience of inferiority within and as a part of my definition of who I am as meaninglessness. Within THEY ARE ALL SO BUSY, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition meaninglessness with blame, and in so doing, that I had avoided the obvious question of my own responsibility. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a victim within the game of blame, and so become a victim within and as who I am as meaninglessness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a physical reaction of disempowerment to follow from this backchat; I disengage this backchat from it’s function in this construct. If as or when it comes up, I will stop, and breathe, I do not accept this backchat anymore. And I check my physical body, is there something held, suspended, and I let my breath out and I make sure that I am here, that my feet are on the ground. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘having a future’ meant to be going to university, which in turn meant having a meaning/purpose, while ‘having no future’ was then, simply, everything else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let these words come up in me and not question them, or cross check them.

 

Continuing…

 

 

 

 

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EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

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~ by adamsblogs on January 3, 2016.

One Response to “Day 293: Meaninglessness 2: Backchat”

  1. […] reminder of the critical experience (from 293): “…over summer, at the end of school when all the kids I hung around with were going off to […]

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