Communication Errors 10: Authority and Discipline
Continuing here from previous posts examining the trigger point as some perceived indication of ‘authority’ and the rising experience of fear and anxiety converted to blame such as into ‘I don’t care’ and ‘fuck-you’ – into superiority and righteousness as who I am as a personality system in contempt of authority.
Misalignments in the attributes of authority as: Discipline.
When the word ‘discipline’ came into my life, it was always in the context of being in trouble, I had done something wrong, I should get some ‘discipline’, I should get some discipline ‘drummed into me’, I should be sent away to get some discipline because of my badness. Within this, I accepted and allowed myself to connect the word ‘discipline’ to a bad experience, and to target blame for this experience upon, first my father, and then later on authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘discipline’ through the eyes of judgement and blame, as an attempt or plan to impose control over who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to include within the word discipline memories of experience of imposed discipline and reactions of irritation and anger and retaliation where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am being controlled. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline with negative energy and that I have associated it in my mind with punishment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within the definition I have lived of ‘discipline’, to have separated from myself, from my self direction where rather than standing and walking as myself I have instead gone into self victimization in judgement of discipline.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that discipline was something that would be imposed on me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge discipline as negative, as hostile to who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with spite towards discipline and that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny discipline into my life because I have seen it in my mind as an attribute of authority, the authority that I have accepted and allowed myself to place in contempt.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to apply discipline in my life, for me, in my own best interest. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist ‘discipline’ and to participate in fear of loss of who I am as opposed to it in which I can instead participate in feelings of ‘strength’ as ‘righteous’ as a positive experience of energy, in winning in my mind, by placing authority in contempt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘free’ within this positive experience that I have made within this opposition to ‘discipline’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superiorize myself into arrogance as a path or personality of self interest based upon my successful suppression of who I am within the multiple reactions and retaliations toward ‘authority’, as I have accepted and allowed myself to define it in my mind.
I commit myself to redefine who I am in and as authority as discipline within and as self direction, where when and as the word discipline comes up, I stop and I breathe. I make sure that I am clear that I have no reactions within me, no reference to contempt. It is simple that I direct myself, that I am the authority of my self direction. As the authority of me, I commit myself to learn how to embrace the word ‘discipline’ as part of me, and realise that I am free to impose discipline on myself in support of me, as a tool that I can use to support my own best interests.
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