Day 281: Communication Errors 3. How I killed my father
Day 281: Communication Errors 3. How I killed my father
Feed a mass of energy into an already overloaded group of systems, for long enough, and suddenly there is a cathartic moment; the systems combine and integrate and form into one. The purpose of an energy system being to create more energy, then it follows that there will be an energy economy, a tendency to streamlining, just as in our entertainment systems moving through an ongoing improvement of technology from clunky bygone stories into ever refining slickness, where the audience has learned the languages of transition, there is no need to spell it out each time; instead all of that can be indicated with a single reference.
One of the discoveries of what consciousness itself could do with overloaded systems was in this upgrade of ‘contempt’. All very neat and intricate, why not just combine the conflicts into one short sharp shock and hide the source, protect it with distracting thoughts of blame? And then in time, combine the articles of blame; in that way then the personality of righteousness could be more integrated and smooth-running. While all of these developments can be seen as energy exigencies, there exists within them, who-I-am-as accepting and allowing myself to move according to and with the moves of energy, to stay suspended in the comfort zones, to keep it at a distance that point of conflict. And so with the word ‘contempt’, I coloured it with judgement, as something worse than bad, something that I portrayed myself as far away from, and above, all of this in protection of the integrity of an idea of myself, an idea that within myself I believed would be adequate to get me ‘through’.
Contempt: the signature – as that overwhelming sense of, ‘That person better stay out of my life, sphere of influence, my view, my eyesight, my life – our relationship is Done’. An act of killing. That means that from henceforth communications are Cut. Here, as authority, as ‘control’ defined within that I have made a desperate act I have accepted and allowed a self destruction as solution to not any more be overwhelmed by the thoughts and backchats and memories experience, hatred, anger, dislikes, all the reminders that come up in me of who I am towards this storm of conflict in my mind, as in fear, overwhelmed, without stability, unable to function.
Here the vision is of a world reality in which it had been accepted and allowed that who-I-am is defined by others, by multiples of others, as points of authority, by teeming points within multiple dimensions and layers of paradoxical scenarios, and finding the world to be so, it became a source of fear.
An example of a Catch-22 was quoted to me unknowingly by someone in my life, they did not realise that the words could have been delivered in the exact same form and tonality as by my father, and I reacted to it by going into silence and judgement. The shouted words were: “If you carry on speaking like this, then you are going to make me very angry.” As ‘having the last word’ was a point of authority, then it seemed to me that any further utterance would be deemed a confrontation, and within that thought, a fear that I would most certainly lose, and get into the experience of diminishment in being ‘shouted down’. And so with my friend with whom I was having a discussion in one minute and seeing him walk out the door in the next, I went into, okay let him cool off… and then later on meet up again. But meanwhile within my mind… another story… in which for days afterward his face kept popping up, and a recording of his anger, as if there was an argument ongoing within me, little resolutions in my mind, of me winning, having the smart response, the last word, bending and twisting the scenario in my mind in any which-way so as get myself into a positive or at least comfortable experience. What I did not realise in looking at this was in how my friend had unwittingly qualified himself by echoing these words, to be an object of contempt.
By ‘Catch-22’, what I mean is a paradoxical situation from which an individual cannot escape because of contradictory rules: like for example, to apply for this job, you would have to be insane; but if you are insane, you are unacceptable for the job. The Catch-22 within “If you carry on speaking like this, then you are going to make me very angry” is in this fear-control – being defined by the authority of my father as having the power within speaking up for me, to make him feel bad things and to become angry – while at the same time in myself that I am angry with myself for not speaking up, and in fear of what might happen if I do, and in fear of how I felt inside myself in relation to me when my father’s expression of anger was not in outright rage but in dismissal, walking out, and loss of interest. These were some of the dynamics of my early years; I was in a constant emotional turmoil. Eventually in my early teens, I shut the door on him, I could not bear his presence, or the nature of my presence in myself, when he was near me. I put him in contempt. From time to time it seemed that he was trying to invade me as I sat tightly coiled in brooding, and he would ask me what I was thinking, and I would say, “Nothing.” My power was that I had simplified my conflict by killing him from my existence.
(ref: Atlanteans see Contempt Imprisoning You)
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