Day 273: What’s the Point?
Everything being connected to everything, it follows that any point, opening up, will reveal a whole world of connected points. This is a very simple fact, and yet I have become used to me reacting to it emotionally as something overwhelming, disempowering, where there is a fear of losing my way, of falling over in my self research, and so, experience of victimhood and giving up. And so what do I interpret in my mind of this word ‘confusion’, but a negative experience, when in reality the word relates in this case to an access into something new, something unfamiliar within the normality of my self programming. It’s quite funny in a way; when I step outside my house and see a sky of stars and planets, hearing all at once a million frequencies of sound, I do not fold up on my knees, going oh my god I cannot handle this, I take a step in my shoes and focus on what I am practically doing – and yet taking a step inside myself, examining the mind that proliferates connections and relationships, I am somehow overawed. And even writing out this symbol ‘somehow’, I realize and understand that the fact is that still I am not honoring myself, but pushing to make real an idea of my limitations.
So, taking another step into this that I have started, not with the provisions of straight away covering all points, answering all questions, exploring every avenue that leads to everywhere, because I have seen how these provisions are not supportive – but instead kind of walking into a world that I am aware is infinite, and yet not allowing that infinity to distract me – but staying focused on this point, and this platform of this breath within this moment here.
So in the question, “What’s the point?”, I can see how I had absorbed into me the rhetorical form of this, meaning: “There is no point.” Oh dear, poor little computer with such an ineffective generational operating system! Lol. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn mistakenly that “What’s the point?” contains within itself a backdoor, an instruction of giving up – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this phrase, a memory of the tonality of an authority that I have given away, that talks to me rhetorically, not expecting an answer, but instead expecting me to blindly follow a point that is not my own. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-pity that I have given away my own authority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less-than in my being, because I have accepted and absorbed and learned mistakenly. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor in this question of “What’s the point?” a suppression of my anger reaction that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, believing that I have been excluded from my own activity. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret this question as a kind of attack, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject this question asked of me that may in fact be not rhetorical but supportive of me in clarifying for myself what my intentions are in what I am doing, and how I see my own approach to it in doing it. Therefore in the presence of this question of “What’s the point?” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be open to an other’s perspective of my activities. And in the presence of this question of “What’s the point?” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become confused within myself, not seeing realizing and understanding that the energy of my resentment has upstaged in my mind the clarity of my thought, and my own perspective of the point that is here in front of me. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be going ‘blank’ within myself when I pose the question to myself of “What’s the point?”
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