Day 267: Self-Authority
The absence of Self-Authority is a distinguishing feature of the enslavement zeitgeist – I mean by zeitgeist here as the accepted general thought feeling characteristic of this period of time – in which in a sense it is impossible, to see beyond the zeitgeist, according to how much you live within it and as it – and so considering that, the very existence of the zeitgeist word/concept/thought is pretty cool, and welcome/necessary/essential, even if only as a starting step of self support into the thought/question of there being “something more to this” in our natural exploration/expansion of our Self in this world reality. Ok so utilizing ‘zeitgeist’ here to define a context of this relationship of enslavement to authority in which the notion of bringing it all back home, here, within and as myself does not exist; in which Self Authority and Self Enslavement have become precluded from my understanding of the world.
The very fact of my having awarded ‘authority’ into something, someone, is in itself an expression of the Self Authority of this decision that I have made, though where I have made it absolute – which is another decision – I have within that absolute given away this authority that is who I am, the very awareness of my Self Responsibility. In this process then I am showing myself that I am responsible for having disempowered myself.
So – Where is there a source to all of this within myself? A primary relationship in my life has been the ‘figure’ of my father. I say ‘figure’ because I did not see or realize that he was in fact another human being, who was in fact another me in the structure of another Life, an example of a living breathing Self reality – no, instead he was in my mind, an image, a figure of Authority, and hence, in my mind a figure of, or a trophy of, blame. In fact, he was acting out as best he could the definition of what a ‘father’ was according to the dictates of his own experience, which was set amongst the dictates of the times. He did not question ‘authority’ as his relationship to me – to him the ‘authority’ of the father was as a birth-right, or it just followed automatically for him, from the fact of being the ‘father’. Added to this was the belief of the equation of older being equal to wiser as a justification of authority, and then if I did not fall into line with that, which meant obeying him, he was also bigger, stronger, and louder, and in the habit of using fear as a method of control. By the time the word ‘authority’ came into my life, I attached it to this experience that I had lived within my mind, as an extension to ‘father’. Accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and shame as a reaction to a frustrated adult, saying, “What would your father say?” I had internalized the whole structure of my relationship with my father as an experience in my mind in place of him became like the ‘policeman in my head’, or a personalized image/voice of conscience. Entwined with all of this was how I felt within myself to have let myself be consistently defined according to what I ‘should be’ according to the mind of this primary grown-up in my life that was my father, and was also that confident authority. The more and more I attempted to become as his definitions of me, and failed to live them, the more my sense of self worth dwindled, and awareness of my self, because within myself I had taken up his attitude to me, that who I really was inside was of little interest. As a father/authority/figure/alpha male, he had won, and in his presence I became subdued, and I avoided contact with him.
Okay so these are some of the underlying factors of how I have defined ‘authority’ in my life. Looking at this Mind Construct it is obvious to me that how I have defined and lived and experienced ‘Authority’ is, as a tool with which to face the ‘Authorities’ that exist in the real world, and remain stable within my self, and clear in my communication – completely useless. Within accepting and allowing ‘authority’ to remain existing in me according to such definitions/conflicts processes/accumulations I have disempowered myself – I mean how could I possibly step up to the plate as Self Authority while at the same time keep this baggage?
Self Authority is not something that can just be put on as a suit as an emulation of something desirable, or within that suit, a posture; Self Authority comes out of proving to myself over and over again how within my mind in every decision that I have made I am responsible, and in that responsibility that therefore I can reassess what I have done, and change that decision that I made. Seeing realising and understanding this means that I do not have to be the victim of my own accepted and allowed self definitions, and remain within and as my mind, enslaved.
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