Day:241 Backchat: Believe in Yourself
The situation just recently was where I had slipped into a self judgement, not good enough, not strong enough to move myself, blaming parts of myself for being the way they are – but in reality, the way I have them be – so rather than simply investigating my consent in this, I had gone into reaction.
I was refusing to see the responsibility of ‘the way I have them be’, because, remember the commands: human nature cannot change, this is it, I am just the way I am, because of the way I am, drone drone… when up comes this backchat, You’ve got to – Believe in Yourself – Carrying a positive charge of hope, it seemed to promise some solution – like yes correct response – that’s the solution, I ought to believe in myself. Now I can just magically pick myself up and walk into the paths of life…
So I looked at where in my life I had first heard this phrase – this was kind of brotherly advice – an older school friend – sitting with me in a coffee shop while we have both bunked off from school – we are smoking cigarettes, Guards. His tone while saying these words is sympathetic, he is showing concern for who I am within myself – I have expressed a disappointment in myself, the uselessness I feel, how low I am – and it is like he is passing me some vital information about self-faith and the under-workings of existence, trying to buck me up.
So that was how the words went in, I wanted them, I imprinted them inside me. I notice now looking at the turmoil that was inside of me in those days, how much a sympathetic tone, a voice of serious concern, like someone asking, But how are you, in yourself, really? – could easily have sent me into breakdown. That in fact did happen once a few years earlier. But with the sympathetic tone of my friend I was very receptive and absorbent of his words. On an emotional level I felt unable to question what he said, I felt unable to reject what seemed to be a rescue from my self damnation.
I mean, why would I believe in myself? It doesn’t make any sense, I mean why would that child that is me way back down this time-line, believe these words – that what I’ve got to do is to believe in myself? I can see looking at it now, that the external religious culture of ‘virtue in belief’ may have also played a part.
Looking at my starting point in this conversation, or at least as far as I can recall, the gist of it, I get a sense of the magical reality in which I lived – a world in which people just ‘happened’ – to have skills or talents like magic, a special something that they did not need to put an effort into to learn. While in me in self pity, blame going towards God that there was some kind of mockery going on here, that haha I was not good at anything. But here presented to me was some kind of bridging the gap solution where not knowing what I am good at naturally, what my talent is, ‘that everybody has one’, I could meanwhile, believe in myself, or pretend to believe in myself, or perhaps eventually believe in my pretence to believe in myself. And in fact this was one of my skills, I realise now, that I had already practiced it for the purpose of making convincing lies and deception, not realizing to what extent applied inwardly it made for fluid systems of self deception and self manipulation, but sort of wading into the depths of this I had gone past a certain point where ‘believing in myself’ did not seem mad, or even extraordinary; that shows me the extent of confusion and uncertainty about my reality at that time.
Where else I’ve heard this phrase – like in how many movies – sort of passionate encouragement, like in some romance in which for example: Dr. Zhivago, ha ha, is writing passionate poetry in a large room, and scrumpling the same poem up, and throwing it away, over and over, and none of it is good enough! And the waste paper basket is overflowing and he cannot publish his work because it will always be a failure, being less than the dazzling beauty of his love, who he keeps in the other room, but she believes in him! She comes crawling through the door, and up to his desk, and begs him on her knees to believe heart on heart that she believes in him! And therefore he is obliged to believe that she believes in him, and therefore he must believe in himself! And of course, if he can’t believe in himself, then again he can pretend to believe in himself, and live in hope that he can eventually believe in his pretense to believe in himself!
Oh dear that expression came out looking like a joke, but in seriousness, these convolutions of self manipulation of hope of belief in pretence of belief were actually present within my strategies, and so not surprising that they would manifest within this imaginary scene – I may have fused one movie with another here – but the theme is common – where – You’ve Got to Believe in Yourself – As – In the movie domain, written in the screenplay and absorbed into imagination is in the context of grandness, grand themes, orchestra, noble ambitions, the need to be, something, to be a ‘poet’, to be a ‘writer’, to ‘win’, to be an image of that something, to strive towards some definition structure… and an appearance of ‘something’ in the eyes of others.
So these were the circumstances in which this backchat statement became accepted and allowed as a part of me. Where now in the present, the backchat comes up, and it is aligned with the present circumstance, where it is only me, in the back of my own café, as it were, bunking off my writing me responsibility, and in self judgement and self blame, and shifted into the not good enough self judgements.
What would be the effect of committing myself to this backchat – that would be an activation of me substantiating a personality of what I believe I should be in my mind, an active refusal to face investigate and find out who I am in actual reality – literally a make-believe being, a movie personality. And effectively it would mean a giving in and giving up for the sake of a comfort zone of entertainment within the mind.
Self forgiveness on this line of backchat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these points of comparison of me to others, or of me to images of what I should be in my mind, as in these judgements of myself as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure because I have not come up to the standards that I have imposed on who I am in my imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize my reactions to myself in ‘being not good enough’ so as to manipulate myself into self pity and blame of my predicament where I can evince some form of experience of righteousness as a victim, and not have to look at the point that I am in fact the responsibility within and as all parts of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as stuck within my responsibility in this process to investigate and to see myself as I am in all my parts, and to write it out in physical reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this stuckness as a point of blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be diverted into energy experience, and to justify myself within accepted and allowed beliefs of: human nature cannot change, this is it, I am just the way I am, because of the way I am, as stepping stones towards a self manipulation in which I can believe that I am stuck because of my nature that I make-believe cannot be changed, and therefore I am not responsible, but instead can verify my victimhood, and access righteousness within a comfort zone of self pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon myself as something limited – as a measurement of ‘enoughness’ and ‘goodness’ – as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this to be defining myself according to comparisons with others in my world.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within an imagination of competition in my world, in which I cast myself as a loser. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a ‘loser’ is who I am, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise and understand my responsibility within all of this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to all the relationships to me that I myself have made, so that rather than to look upon these things, empowered in my responsibility to look upon and understand and change, and move myself within and with the process, I have instead reacted into as energy, based on fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequence of my realization and acceptance and living of responsibility, because I have made that represent in my mind a massive effort to move myself step by step within the physical. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a judgement of the effort it would take to move myself, and within that to be seeking justifications for giving up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise and understand that I do not know how much effort, or what that effort would really feel like I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look ahead in my imagination and see all the steps that I must make – and then be overwhelmed – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with judgements so as to maintain the fear of the consequence of realization of responsibility that therefore within that, I must move myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lack a quality that would make me ‘special’ within somehow miraculously having a ‘gift’ or talent, I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a world in which skills just manifest automatically, a world in which there is no effort and learning process, an alternative reality of the mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and then define and then experience myself as worthless, in polarity with specialness, that has not been miraculously endowed. I forgive myself that within this starting point of who I am as worthless, that I have created imaginary personalities of specialness that exist only in my imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into feelings of hope in connection to the ‘possibility’ of believing in myself, rather than being with myself here as who I am, learning step by step into a stronger trust of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘unacceptable’ and then react to that, when I can in fact examine all the relationships I have made and access what is actually in fact really unacceptable to me as parts of me within them, and so change them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a judgement in which I accepted and allowed myself to superiorize myself into an experience as the arbiter of truth, this is true, I’ve got to believe in myself. Then I can position myself wherever I like within my mind, instead of staying with myself in breath and stability and looking at the harsh experience of myself engendered by my own self judgements, and seeing who I am in these relationships, and deciding for me in support of me, to not do this, to not go into this pattern of self sabotage in which eventually I give up on myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a charge of positive energy to the idea of placing myself anywhere I ‘like’ within and as an imaginary projection of myself within my mind, and hence a negative charge to the reality of my experience of myself as I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to this line of backchat a positive charge of energy within defining it as a rescue from my self damnation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this line of backchat a positive charge of energy as a secret piece of knowledge and information about ‘how to exist’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to this line of backchat a positive charge of energy as a virtue in the world of faith as belief is virtuous – a positive charge as an act of ‘spirituality’ as positive.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question what this line of backchat actually means, and what it actually means within and as a part of me.
Within all of this, I commit myself to investigate the actual nature of the effort it will take to move myself, to test it for myself, to see and realise for myself how much the effort is really my resistance. When and as this backchat reappears within my mind, I will stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that access to the mind through this is unacceptable to me, so I change all this, I do not accept this relationship of me in reaction to myself, I recommit myself to my responsibility to me and as me in this investigation of the systems of my mind.
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
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