My house is in such a mess, chaos has accumulated again, and now it has got to the point and beyond it where the chaos has become an obstruction and space in which to move has become limited, and movement itself has become cluttered and slow. These points are reflections of stuff going on within me.
Right at this moment, Oh my God, etc, I’ve got to get some money, backchat: so it’s ok to let things slide a bit, leave them till later, they don’t matter so much…don’t worry about that, but worry about this… I’ve got to get myself moving…
This blog is part of my process of assisting and supporting myself to tidy up, organize and sort out, clarify understand and change my life and living relationship to myself. In this post I explore specifically the word Exigency as I have personally defined it, and look at what have been the effects of it.
Exigency: system definition: an urgent need or demand. Exigent: pressing.
Exigencies come up as the consequence of procrastination, where things that are here to be addressed in this moment have been neglected and ignored. Hence I end up where I am, surrounded by instances of procrastination and neglect, objects not tidied up or ordered, instances of justification of there being ‘more important’ things to do in that moment.
Right now it seems the point is the judgement of the value of my available time, where I have become possessed by this judgemental personality, which has come in like the emergency services, defining the relevance of this that and the other for me, and as me, or me as, or me standing for immediate judgements and quick decisions. Procrastination leads inevitably to emergencies where what has emerged is the need for hurry, the need for realisations of urgency, the acceptance of pressure. Within this I have been using anxiety as an adrenalized fix to get me moving, and to funnel myself into this personality of exigencies. And in a mind state of possession I have accepted and allowed this judgement to take over walking process itself, where I am judging the importance or relevance or value of points, and whether or not to leave points aside to be dealt with or investigated later. This is the real internal mess that I have got myself into. And the points accumulate into piles and it is only a fantasy that I can deal with all of them later, and it all becomes overwhelming and I go into the experience of too much and too late. And then in relationship to this as a consequence I blame it and use it as a justification for giving up in this moment, as a justification for shifting into hope, and waiting for the turbulence to pass.
In my life, my relationship to physical movement has been one of reluctance, that is accepting and allowing who I am as a judgement of the value of moving physically, that in the decision of taking action, then I’d rather not. This is another one of those wtf sort of relationships, considering that I am here for this short time, in the physical dimension.
The Life Review, 129, Facing the Experience of Depression, opened up some questions for me to look into, and to consider whether or not this word ‘depression’ is something that I have lived – because I see this heaviness, the weighted experience of the physical, the pressure, the floating experience within the body, and the withdrawal deeper and deeper into myself , as described in the interview, all as recognizable factors in my life experience, not only that, but I have also found useful the remedies this being found to assist and support himself in going into movement, such as shaking the hands and shoulders, standing up. In addition to this I have recently discovered that running cold water over the backs of my hands has been supportive in finding my physical stability again and coming out of the other energetic floaty separated sort of stability in which I am in fact really nowhere, and nothing happens.
The personality of obsession is based upon a mental relationship to some task in hand – and a fear of letting go – that if I do not cling to my involvement in it then it will be lost – and there is a judgement in it of value, that only this matters, that it’s ok to neglect all other things. Here is living out ‘exigency’. Within ‘exigency’ I have accepted and allowed a perspective in which there has to be a list of ‘most important things to do’, with only one thing on it, which leads me into the consequence of everything neglected laid aside, and confused.
When I first encountered the word exigent, it was in my early teens, I had to look it up in a dictionary, the context was Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar (Act5, Scene1), where, on the brink of battle, there arises friction of points of view between the generals – Octavius is questioning Anthony’s orders – and Anthony replies, “Why do you cross me in this exigent?”
It seemed to me then that the definition of this situation as being an ‘exigent’ justified the unquestionability of Anthony’s decision – that on the brink of battle, the authority of the leader must be absolute, that accepting doubt into this situation could be disastrous. This was the context in which I absorbed the word into my consciousness, wrapped in the royal purples of Roman Imperialism, highlighted by Shakespearian rhetoric. It is easy to see, looking at this now, that what is missing is a reference to the physical reality (within the context of the play) that in the context of the fact of armies of human beings about to slaughter each other, according to the orders of their leaders, that what was most important at this vital stage, was to not question what was going on within Anthony’s mind, regardless of the energy dynamics of power and ego and vengeance that were possessing him. In this scene he states quite clearly that he is basing his decisions on the idea in his mind that he ‘knows’ what is going on in the minds of others, and it seems as if his anger/blame reaction toward Octavius is from the starting-point of protecting and defending himself from seeing and realizing his paranoia.
So, to purify this word ‘exigent’, and hence ‘exigency’, to release from it the energy connections that I have accepted and allowed myself to store within this word, including the belief that ‘importance’ lays within the province and perspectives of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store this word within my memory as energized by my experience in which I first absorbed it into me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this word to exist within me, separated from a reference to common sense, where I have accepted and allowed orders of importance as constructs of the mind and values of energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this word ‘exigent’ as a personality within me to act for me, to become as a trigger for me to shift into separation from myself as an energy of mind-authority, as the decision maker in emergency, and urgency. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to question the authority of the mind and to justify this relationship of inferiority towards superiority within who I have accepted and allowed myself to be within and as the word ‘exigency’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this word exigency as I have defined it stored it experienced it and become it to be as a trigger of self sabotage in which I have accepted and allowed myself to shift into the mind and to allow it to take control, to make decisions, to decree the orders of importance of things that should be done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to others in using the word exigency, as if in using the word I am also scoring points and winning, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this posture of superiority, that therefore what I see within and as my mind as ‘exigent’ is right. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that from the mind elevation of superiority I have a ‘better’ view of things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘empowered’ in sounding the word ‘exigency’, and for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘power’ in terms of energy, and hence within who I am as ‘empowered’ to accept and allow myself as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘exigency’ to positive energy, and then to experience this word as positive energy. Hence, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘like’ the experience of myself within the word ‘exigency’, within which ‘liking/not liking dynamic I have accepted and allowed myself to make a personality out of who I am as an energy relationship to words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose to use words on the basis of my reactions to them, in ‘liking’ them, or not using them in ‘not liking’ them, and for not allowing myself to see realise and understand that in utilizing language thus, that I am utilizing language to experience myself as positive or more energy, rather than to simply communicate with others. Within this I forgive myself that I have shaped communication with others according to to how I experience myself within what I am communicating and for not seeing realizing and understanding that thus I have limited communication within the bounds of my experience of myself as energy.
I commit myself to purify this word ‘exigency’ so that it no longer holds contained within it decisions of who I am as energy. I commit myself to simplify this word, to let go of and release these constructs of energy dynamics that I have attached to it and accumulated within it, and in sounding the word, accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by this energy by these constructs as a personality of the mind, so that in using this word I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved to it, entrapped and locked into my mind.
Back to the system definition: Exigency: an urgent need or demand. Exigent: pressing.
There are things that are here in this moment that I need to address, that need to be done, in physical reality, in common sense, what is here to be done is ‘pressing’, it is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger going into energy in this situation, with the notion in my mind of ‘exigencies’ because I now see and realize and understand how it is that I have substantiated this word, the nature of the ‘spell’ that I have put into these symbols, and within that, how I have shifted from being here into this charged up mental state of being, through which I have become separated from what is here, and formed relationships to what is here as personalities.
I forgive myself that through this word that I have abdicated from authority as this physical breath of self here, into a ‘position’ of taking ‘charge’ of the situation as a mind.
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