Day 212: Personal Paranoia
“What has to be realised within and as this Process of the Creation of Paranoia, such as for example Suicide Paranoia: is how we actually, in fact, Create our OWN Paranoia in our OWN Minds from our OWN Reactions towards our OWN Memories, that then evolve into Imagination and Self-Talk/Thinking. That, this entire process unfolds in and as our Consciousness, simply because the creation of energy, the creation of memories and the relationship between energy and memories and Self’s Awareness within it all – is not Understood.”
see Heaven’s Journey to Life:
Here I will share some of the process in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be as submerged into energy in the last few weeks, leaving a hole in my journey to life for which there is very little evidence of what I have walked except for a few incoherent notes and sentences. Incoherence and lack of focus have been a feature of this experience, with a rapid accumulation of resistance to process – and then becoming sort of barricaded into self righteousness.
Understanding the significance of the noose, a persistent thought/image.
Slowing down my mind, I noticed this ‘noose’ thought, sort of free floating, and yet present, and I was curious about what it was, what it was doing there. It was shown to me that if there was a fear attached to it, then in a way regardless of the form or shape of the thought, it would still be a productive resource for the purposes of consciousness to generate energy, and so an explanation for its persistence. Like a little memo: be afraid. And after all according to what I have accepted and allowed and automated, this ‘fear’ energy is really scary, no need to question that, or is there? So I could see that just a little frisson of this energy as unquestioned fear would be enough to set the tone for the day. And I realized that there was indeed a fear attached on the surface like beneath the curiosity, suspicion, and wtf is going on in my mind kind of thoughts, and then of course, becoming more and more interested, I started noticing it daily, just sort of lurking in the background, as if ready for the opportunity to come forward. In The Holy Trinity, one of the Atlantean’s Support series, it is suggested that rather than running away from it, one might approach the fear, and actually feel the substance of it, and so checking this out, I found that yes it is kind of soft and comforting. This seems odd I suppose being so used to reacting to the whole package as one, integrated, the energy and the energized words as information contained by it. So here, the simple picture representing the word ‘noose’, and connected words such as ‘death’ and ‘hanging’, and amongst the fears, fear of loss of control, or fear of loss of the illusion of control within the suspicion and the wtf’s going in in my mind, kind of thoughts.
Considering all of this, one realization was that this picture of a noose may represent an old pattern from earlier in this life, where I might well have and did allow the thinking of such things as: if such and such a thing will happen, then I will kill myself, and as such this was certainly a form of comfort, and I can understand why I might carry this thought around with me and keep it handy. It was like in the province of me as aligned with and as self interest I could always give in and give up in the face of challenge, step out through a back door without regard or consideration of anyone or a single aspect of this reality, and cease to exist on the physical plane. Believing that I was actually alive on the physical plane in the first place was an effect of paranoia in which I had total faith in the projections of consciousness and reactions of energy as who I am without any question in my belief that this is what life is, or even a notion of this being a belief.
The challenge that I was afraid of facing was thus not to anything of me that was physically real, but a challenge to who I was in my charade as a personality construction of consciousness, a challenge to the lie that I sought to above all things maintain, keep going and make real, and so within this I accepted and allowed to be maintained a fear of all of this collapsing. So here again, the fear was in service of security, giving comfort to the support of my illusion. And my cunning plan to if necessary cheat on earthly life, I kept that secret. In my mind, ‘earthly’ was a negative judgement, rather than a reference to the physical reality, so here again another aspect of the paranoia in which I was primarily in a relationship to myself within the judgements of my mind rather than to anything real.
Back to the image of a noose, and its connective behaviour into the scripts of internal conversation, acting as an energy trigger for fear reactions. Like watching a play within a play, I am both hooked up into the energy conflict represented by the internal conversation, and also observing the interruption and superimposition of this image. The internal conversation is like me, in and as the starting-point of fear of loss of control – watching and checking up on who I am, my current status, within relationships – all of it played out without reference to anything in reality but totally within imagination. During these moments of energy belief it is like I am using a sixth sense to eavesdrop on other people’s minds – people who’s opinion of me matters – and yet these aren’t actual people at all, but images in my memory, ultimately me dressed up as them, acting out the parts according to the polarities of the conflict. And here within the eavesdropping paranoia of this conflict, I hear some really bad mind ‘news’, about ‘who I am’, because I have accepted and allowed my definition of myself to be dictated by the contents of this internal conversation – so here what is happening is that my ‘life’ as my definition of myself within my mind, according to my own projections of the thoughts of others – this ‘life’ is in accordance with what I am showing myself with the image of the noose, is hanging, I am participating in the moments of the delivery of the verdict of the judgements of my own personalities, whether I am going to go into a negative experience of and as myself, or a positive one – in both cases an energy experience as who I am. This is me standing without any responsibility for myself in a moment of total energy possession. So here this noose represents a ‘life and death’ situation – not my physical life – but the continuation of the existence of me substantiating a personality construct, thirsting for a definition of itself to establish some coherence or reality within and as an image of who I am within my mind.
As such this noose represents also the suicidal choice to be enticed into and as an energy experience, reacting automatically to fear of the alternative, in which I am here unknown to myself as breath within the physical.
And yet, and this is the kicker, in a way, the life-or-death fear as a negative energy shock dissipates into the positive comfort of the background fear with which I am familiar and have accepted and allowed as the condition of who I am. This process I have accepted of giving up and giving in in the face of a challenge seems to be dominated by the not good enough personality, in and as which I have managed this self judgemental energy attack by positivizing my resignation and withdrawal – so I have made it easy for myself to collapse into the old energetic coma that I have defined and lived as who I am. It’s like standing on the threshold of reality I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self doubt and then read the Mind News about whether or not I am good enough to participate, and then apparently justified by these internal conversions, backchats, and this image of a noose, I give myself that negative energy fix in which the answer is no, I have accepted and allowed that I am not in fact good enough for myself, but it’s alright, ‘I don’t have to do this’, I can escape into the relative positive experience of having avoided my fear of facing who I am as defined within this self judgement.
These are the energy processes that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in during the recent days of my journey to life – where in conjunction with the pushing of myself physically I have been arriving back home in the evenings physically very tired with aching muscles, and a lack of focus, and in the face of my other responsibilities, I have accepted and allowed myself to give in and give up, going no, I am not able to do this, I have worked hard, I need to rest and relax, I need some ‘me time’! What I have not allowed myself to see here is that this self judgement point about being not good enough has shifted into dominance, and within this conflict I have accepted and allowed on top of the physical tiredness a seductive energetic tiredness to overwhelm me. It’s the not good enough personality that demands this ‘me time’, in which it can recharge, and indulge in the pleasures of fear avoidance as positively charged laziness, and then go into self righteously justified distraction and entertainment.
So now, facing myself that what has been the reality of me is that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to fear and go into a time loop of a repeated thought connected with the judgement definition of myself as not good enough and then become petrified/fascinated, then cozy to see unfolding and enfolding layer after layer the same fear. All this much as described by Anu in Reptilians 202. And along with this, layer after layer of self righteous protection and defense of who I am within this laziness, which actually gets quite nasty and spiteful, with backchats of I do what I like, which means that I accept and allow that I live as a reaction to my feelings and emotions, which is within the limits of my personal world of paranoia, where nothing in the reality of this physical world is anywhere near as important or as real as this moment of me in this imagination merged into as this energy. The nastiness of this self righteousness comes out of a belief that it is as if within and as this personality, as if up against a wall, my whole existence has been challenged, it is a protection and defence as a whole personality of self righteousness that is willing to go to any extreme for the sake of its survival. One of these extremes that I have accepted and allowed is the total subjugation of my living self in the living breath of this physical reality.
Here is a backchat that I accepted and allowed myself to respond to, which sets out the very basic tenet of this paranoia mind setting in which I have aligned myself to shape my life according to reactions of fear avoidance: the backchat statement is in the form of a conditional command –
Conditional backchat: ‘If’ the pressure gets too much, then I will…’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen unquestioning to this backchat statement in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in this statement I am preparing myself to react to ‘pressure’ so as to avoid it, rather than to investigate what exactly this pressure consists of, and where it comes from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this backchat to become automated in the system of this suicidal personality, and that in accepting this automation, that I have accepted and allowed myself to become controlled by programs, that acting on this backchat I have accepted and allowed myself as an automaton, programmed to avoid the energy I myself have generated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise and understand the paranoia of the starting point of who I am in listening to such backchat in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make strategies of avoidance of the energies that come up in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set the limits on what I do, and to have programmed myself with at what point of ‘too much’ that I will give up on myself, according to an amount of a ‘pressure’ that I have not specified, because I have not looked at it and faced it.
I forgive myself that in listening to this backchat that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my actions and non-actions as a victim to my fears. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a backdoor in my mind as the option of giving up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is an act of kindness in myself in allowing me to give up on myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an image of myself as ‘kind to me’ as positively charged with energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enticed into giving up on me through hopes of positive reward. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for energy to increase to a point where it is ‘too much’, so that I can have the experience of giving up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to ‘giving up’ a positive charge of energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this experience of giving up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an unspecified ‘pressure’ to exist where I am in fact busy making a positive relationship to my own abdication of responsibility and to the possibility of awareness here and expansion of my being into the physical.
Continuing next post…
Follow these online blogs:
Heaven’s Journey To Life: Day 413 Introducing the Mind’s Home Theatre by Consciousness Productions
Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 442: Sedition is Undermining the Basic Human Rights of Citizens
7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
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