Day 199: Trust in Fear
In fearing fear I have stated without somehow noticing it how it is that I have put my trust in fear – why else would I have listened to it – relied upon it – found it necessary – used it’s guidance – found comfort in it – why is it that I have not seen this positive relationship that I have made with it? In some quiet moments in my mind, I notice something new in me – a kind of loneliness – in this nothingness where fear has left a space, and I realise that I am missing it, and implied in this, is that I am holding on to it, calling it back, please come back fear, I miss you so much, how can who I am, as who I’ve been, go on without you. It would be great if seeing the ridiculousness of a relationship would somehow just stop it from existing, though I realise that it does not work like that. What I am looking at is a commonality in a multiplicity of relationships, which stand firm, written in machine code in the structures and the infra-structures of my being.
I forgive myself that I have been standing up in blame of fear itself, as the baddy; that in this story that I have cast myself as the self-righteous one, where I have excused and justified myself by putting the responsibility for who and what I have accepted and allowed of me in the process of this life onto this separated dark and evil, apparently, ‘fear’. I commit myself now to look upon this very uncomfortable truth here – a secret that I have kept away from my awareness – the unavoidable twist in the story – is that all along – the fear was useful in my schemes, that it was indispensible, a necessary component to this false integrity that I have lived as me, where I get to keep some self-respect, some dignity. And all along, behind this front, that I have manipulated my belief, in this apparent darkness of fear as ignorance of my own awareness, that the pay-off was a justified self-interest. Here is shame of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a house of cards in a scam existence.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to look upon the convenience of having with me fear, where who and what I am within convenience is directly exposed, while yet in fear of fear that I remain as hidden to myself, and distracted from this self.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I have chosen an existence where I do not see and realise and face my self-dishonesty, and that within this, on the ‘ground’ of this, the energetic platform of this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to make structures of myself as personalities that thrive on fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in fear, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realise and understand and face the fact that this belief itself is a decision that I have made and chosen to suppress and to forget and hide away.
In seeing, realizing and understanding this responsibility that I have in this belief of fear, I commit myself to bring this realization with me as I walk this process, in my self forgiveness and self correction of myself, so that as I face the relationships that I have written into me and made me with, as fear, that I no longer see this fear as something bad that must be removed, as if it just happened to be there as part of a system and my pre-programming, but as a decision that I have made in my self interest, and as relationship that I have made in which I justify my own existence as myself as not to blame.
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