A point that has come up in my relationship to writing is how I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a process of ‘finding an entrance’ into me, and within this that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that obviously there is a stark fact here that I am in and as an environment of negative self judgements where mostly I have accepted and allowed through fear of where that may possibly lead, ‘no’ entry signs, and access denied. So that in effect I am searching for a loop hole in an acceptance and blind submission to a world of laws prescribed by my own accepted negative self judgements.
Continuing along from the previous post, in which I came across this point of how that I accepted and allowed myself to be in a relationship of retaliation and hostility towards the system, both within me and without me; and how I had not seen within this my continuing acceptance and allowance of my abdication of self responsibility, and hence accepted victimhood against a ‘separate’ authority, standing in and as blame of it, and as self righteousness within this protest, and how within all of this that I had not understood the foundations of my experience of futility, and with what exactly as me that I had substantiated and defined this word futility – I came to this point of investigation of this who I am within retaliation and hostility.
When I look at how I personalized my expressions of hostility, I see that they were mostly not active, but rather muted and passive, that my expression of hostility would tend to be as in standing aloof, or as refusal to walk with others, not in actually saying No! in confrontation, but in expression of this No in a myriad of ways that implied No but did not actually state it directly or openly.
So, embedded in the words retaliation and hostility, refusal, and denial is this simple word of No. How I have defined, wired, networked and interweaved this word into the dimensions and layers of my consciousness, and so substantiated it with my accepted energetic reality as this programming; this is something that I need to walk, that I need to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word No with fear, and through that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the word No as a negative energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid using the word No directly and clearly and for within that to have accepted and allowed myself to stand for who I am as avoidance and suppression of myself towards the experience of fear. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame fear for my actions and reactions and so have attacked myself within this, putting the fault on fear, and then using this as an excuse and justification within my mind to validate my actions, and so standing in a secret as self righteousness, rather than allowing myself to see and realize and understand that in so doing I am making a stand in support of programming and consciousness as a separate authority from me, and that in running from my fear I am accepting and allowing this fear as real, and within this fear of No as real within my mind, that I am substantiating me as negativity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself, a method of coping with my world and my reality by protecting myself from my negative self judgements as self abuse in the dimensions of internal conversation and backchat and imagination, by closing down and freezing and stopping my expression, so as to avoid and not experience the suffering that I inflict upon myself, and to within this radiate a global No to everything from the starting point of fear throughout my beingness. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this point of absolute negativity as the nature of my beingness as a point of reference to the world, in blind acceptance of it, rather than standing constant in the decision to change this beingness of who I am, to change this substance of me. And within this also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and excuse myself within and as this within self righteousness by interpreting through the judgements of the programming this who I am as frozen in petrification and paralysis of fear as a positive experience, as apparently the bedrock of myself, as a glorious and unmovable stand, wherein all that I have done is returned myself to negativity.
Further on this walk into the word No as I have accepted and allowed it in my mind, in the posts to come…
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