Facing who I am in fact as the consequence of what I have accepted and allowed for me, now in this instance of writing: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘writing’ to experience of energy within my mind, to negatives, such as contained within memories of when at school when the writing stands as evidence of me on which I will be judged, graded, categorised indexed, stamped filed and numbered, (reference, quote ‘The Prisoner’, ancient TV, ranting hostility and retaliation against ‘Authority’, note: on this there will be more to come…) or to positives when I have imagined, made an image of, myself to be a ‘writer’ or as a ‘poet’, expressing emotion and feeling within the belief of this is me as a conduit of and as ‘life’. Or as a story-teller, as a professional at fabricating lies and fiction, and positive reward connection = making money. The consequence of this has been for the factual expression of who I am within my written words to easily slip into an energy experience of me in separation from myself, where I write down some words, and then,(and then, and then), I realize that I have stopped breathing, and though I take a breath, I can no longer stand within that, continue with that line where I left off that sentence, or connect to it in that same way or from the exact same angle, because it was a moment gone and now I am here. As such my writings become a collection of unfinished sentences and realizations of not being here. The ‘option’ of going into imagination as in making up lies as excuses for my behaviour of what I’d done, or simply existing within fantasy internally as a positive experience of myself in total separation from reality, this option I established in my childhood, and I evolved it, developed it became proficient at deception of myself and others, that there always would be a backdoor of some kind, an excuse, a manipulation of the truth to explain away what happened, where I could not possibly be held accountable, responsible. Believing in my own lies was like the ABC of deception tactics in the world, and so consequently I became as slippery to myself as I was to others, where I had learned to keep the actuality of who I was as the variable in the equation of my own reality.
So, bearing this ‘in mind’, meaning, not either closing the box on this, or investigating all these points immediately, I keep myself along the path of the context of this post in investigating this point of blaming my self judgements, as an instance of making excuses and protections of me to keep me from a point of change, a point I fear in my realisations of my own responsibility in what I have accepted and allowed. All that I have written above is not a digression from this, so much as dimensions of it, as all of it is aspects of the point that is here.
So the issue of where I got to yesterday, and the issue of continuing with that, walking this – this is as a sentence that I began, and did not finish. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with aversion towards structure within my life, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to have reactions towards myself as aversion to the structural fact of me as the factual consequence of me as the totality of what I have in fact accepted and allowed myself to be and to become, and within that to not allow myself to see and realize and understand that it is through structure and walking me in structure that I give to me my opportunity to see and realize myself as the factual reality of what I am in the factual reality of this the physical world.
So here I am looking at an aspect of the personalized definition of ‘judgement’ that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me with attached to it a negative energy experience invested in the caricature of a judge in my imagination as a severe-faced being behind a desk on a raised platform wearing a black gown and a wig.
In the physical courtrooms of the world, the role of the judge (if there is no jury) is to ‘try’ the facts, to ascertain the veracity of the facts, to interpret the law, to maintain the order of the court. If the legally prescribed penalty of the alleged crime is severe, a jury is selected to ‘try’ the facts, and then the judge’s role becomes as an impartial legal expert/technical support guide to the jury, as they decide upon the credibility of the evidence and also on which witnesses are telling the truth. When it has been established how and if and in what way the law has been transgressed, the judge then makes a judgement of the penalty according to the law to be imposed upon the perpetrator of the crime. Thus asking myself what is the actual role of a judge in physical reality, even with a small amount of research, I discover is entirely different to this cartoon caricature that I have assembled in imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an image in my mind of a severe-faced being behind a desk on a raised platform wearing a black gown and a wig as an image containing fear, in which I fear the retribution of my own hostility towards authority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the authority of who I am into the hands of the personalities of my mind, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to become enslaved to this authority, enslaved to the negative judgements of myself that I have accepted and allowed as real, and enslaved to the positive judgements of myself that I have accepted and allowed as real, wherein the negative experiences of myself I have accepted and allowed and hidden away and suppressed while the positive judgements of myself I have accepted and allowed as real and valid and so have valued in my mind as me and kept them dear to me as positive experiences of who I am, and yet have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize or understand that these positive experiences of myself have come out of positive judgements of myself, because I have accepted and allowed myself to define judgement itself as negative, and so have prevented me from seeing realizing and understanding that in and as my mind my whole experience of myself is in and as the experiences that I have accepted and allowed as who I am through the authority of judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards the authority that I have rejected of myself and given to the mind by making a relationship of hostility and retaliation, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to acknowledge the authority of the mind as my definition of who I am towards the mind as retaliatory and hostile is in absolute dependence on the authority of the mind. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the mind because I stand in expectation of retribution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a mechanism, a process, or an institution, as part of the system of my mind, or as part of the system of the world, as symbolized by this imagination of a judge that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within my mind, a process of law in which I am forced to face the factual reality of me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that thus I am standing opposed to the reality and laws and processes of existence itself in which all and every being are drawn to face their consequences that have been accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that it is through standing within and as and for self righteousness as hostility and retaliation towards the system in my external world as in my mind, that I have come to live the experience of futility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I myself can be the judge, not set up high within myself but one and equal, and to ascertain and understand and support myself in the facts of my reality, to clear away the blindness of my own lies, to hear the witnesses to life, to stand for and as a system that is best for all.
I commit myself to through this process step by step and breath by breath develop my awareness of myself, my trust in me, through writing the factual reality of me and through the processes of self forgiveness and self correction in which I realign myself within all of the relationships that I have accepted and allowed.
More to come…
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