Continuing from Reactions to Futility Part 1: Self Blame Day 191
Blaming it on Self Judgement
Since and through the process of writing out the previous post, I have opened up some space to look more closely into what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as ‘judgement’; and I am seeing and realizing that I have charged this word with a negative energy, such as: ‘judgement, good or bad, is still bad,’ lol, and not only that but also how I have accepted and allowed myself to connect judgement to authority, in the form of a picture of ‘a’ judge in my mind, and hence the context of Crime and Punishment, ‘conviction’, and the ‘sentence’. This is interesting in itself because (…and here I use the word ‘interesting’ to express my movement of my awareness towards this point, in the ‘sense’ that I now am in and as direction of myself towards comprehension of this convoluted aspect of my self programming, and so in this moving towards recognition of the problem and hence towards solution, and hence toward the actual certain possibility of change…that is my alignment within and as this ‘interest’ in the structure of me…what would be the ‘mission statement’ here? Questions, questions, ok, breathe, face it, find a way to somehow directly look me in the eye – investigate, deconstruct, comprehend, self forgive, self correct, realign, occupy my self responsibility and move myself to change so that what I stand as is what is best for me as for all, rather than this stand that I have accepted and allowed as what is best for me as this energy awareness that I see and realize and understand to be a parasite that feeds off life) …ok so ‘interesting’ (going back to this point) in itself because, in this picture of a ‘judge’, I am showing to myself the whole context of the relationships that I have accepted and allowed towards ‘judgement’ that are all furnished and illustrated by me with my interpretations of an ‘energetic situation’ by through and in my imagination, that in the ‘dock’, me the ‘defendant’, on ‘trial’, attempting to prove my ‘innocence’, in acceptance of the ‘authority’ of the ‘judge’ that will specify my ‘sentence’ and validate my ‘conviction’ according to the consensus of a group of personalities as the ‘jury’, which is a group of subsidiary judges in this role.
The ‘energetic situation’ as I understand it, goes like this: what this ‘judgement’ is in existential terms, is my acceptance and allowance for consciousness to make assessments and measurements of the situation of me, for me, as me, by the means at its disposal as a singularity of self interested energy awareness. All this good and bad and positive and negative and right and wrong have been the content that I have accepted and allowed and programmed into me as justifications of this energy assessment/maintenance/growth/evolution process that depends entirely upon my consent within it as this drastic submission of: this is who I am, what I will be, and therefore must become.
So writing through my last post, I came to look at how it is that I have come to blame self judgement for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become, and how within this act of blame, I have simply added more support and consent to the responsibility of consciousness to continue to direct me, and within that to continue to facilitate its means of assessment of the situation which is as judgement. Furthermore I see and realize and understand that this definition of ‘judgement’ that I have lived, together with the energy experience that I have attached to it, with all of the relationships that I have outlined above within this ‘court scene’, have been as nutrient and nurturance of consciousness and the continued unquestioned authority of consciousness, and so within this word I have ensured no possible support for me.
So continuing in the next post, I shall walk through these relationships that I have outlined above, and explore this stand of me in protection and defence of my self righteousness.
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