Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I’ve Done.
( Information that I have found very supportive in the walking through of the material in this post:
Reptilians 170: How to transcend Shame and Transform it to Integrity
Creation’s Journey to Life Day 7: Letting Go of Regret
Earth’s Journey to Life Day 89: The Guilt Character )
Continuing from previous posts. Reactions to Futility. Part 1, Self Blame.
More on the personality and my reaction to this personality that I have accepted and allowed within and as ‘futility’, where I have looked outward from this word at what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become throughout my life with a subsequential futilization of my reality that has flowed out from this, and reacted to myself with blame and fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have applied and projected this futility, written it into my beingness and into my very perception of the world, resulting in effects and consequences reaching deep into my physical being and far into my life and into the lives of those around me where I have accepted and allowed this ‘futility’ to justify a life as this my life to be essentially a life that has been largely squandered, and in which I have accepted and allowed a world and an existence also to be squandered, because I see realize and understand that what I accept and allow in me, I therefore accept and allow in others.
Various layers of shame, including fear reaction and ashamed of who I am as a shame layering system; shame and fear of shame, and shame of fear. Starting at the top, shame of who I am as not having walked through this point, not having fully understood the problem, not having reached any clarity as the solution of change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into a pattern where I react towards the truth of me with fear, and so go into a loop in which again I do not give myself the opportunity of change.
So in this point of shame of fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to define shame and fear together as an experience of who I am as energy in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than an image of myself within my mind, an image of myself as being one and equal to the act of dismissing all the fears within me that obstruct me, and arise before me, an image of myself that walks ‘serenely’ through my fears. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive myself but instead to further judge myself in this, and for not allowing myself to see and realize and understand that the fears that I myself have established in myself and conditioned into me have been laid down by me deliberately in layers, so that in this expectation of myself to simply walk this process without fear, I am not being honest with myself but continuing in separation from myself as an image of myself within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that this ‘serenity’ in which I see myself in my imagination is an energetic quality that is in polarity with a suppressed ‘disgrace’ within me as ‘ashamed’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in this process of gradually exposing myself to my own reality that I am going to release evoke provoke uncover self judgements and experiences of fear that were hitherto unconscious and hidden, because I have suppressed these bad judgements of myself that I have believed in, and so have layered fear around these points.
And so I commit myself to breathe and stay with me here in breath and to realize that I am learning to face these fears as they come up and so to look at them and understand who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be in these relationships within my mind, and so to change them, and so to penetrate and specify this fear and so to let it go. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give to me the possibility of comprehension.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that in this process of judging me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own parent authority figure internalized within myself as a system of energy that I have imitated and modelled on my life experience and accepted and allowed to be my guide in place of me being here and trusting me, and that in this I have accepted and allowed that I should be ashamed of myself in this situation that I recognize in having done something bad or something wrong and hence give to me my own self inflicted bad experience and within that acceptance definition connection of me to this, that I am bad or wrong, but get the energy reward of being seen as therefore someone that is good, as a self-punishing system of energy. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed feelings of guilt embarrassment and regret as energy reactions within and as me as an avoidance of the opportunity of comprehension of myself and the gifting to myself of the possibility of actual change, in which I see my own responsibility in what I have done and see also the mistakes that I have made and as well the reasons for the decisions that I have made that led to the consequences and effects that I have seen as not best for me or best for alI, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how in this I have made a decision for a substitute of energy experience, and non-comprehension, instead of actually exploring further into me and into the actual point that is relevant here.
Hence in this situation of accepting and allowing myself to create a personality of futility and then to act from this futility accepting and allowing myself to see around me futility and through this to futilize my world, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to allow myself to go into these same patterns of reacting with self judgement and fear, to see simply that I have done this, to myself and to my world, but to instead stay with me walking this in breath so that rather than running off again into my mind as fear and shame and energy reactions, I can see and realize what I have done and so bring myself to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this experience of ‘ashamed’ as guilt, regret, embarrassment entwined is actually a reaction to myself as blame, and within that blame of ‘who I am’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is the ‘human-nature’ that I am, unchangeable. For this I forgive myself. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that throughout my life I have programmed me by accepting and allowing myself to be as I define myself, or as others have defined me, so that in blaming me, I am accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize my own responsibility for who I am, and my own responsibility therefore in changing me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a fear of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to the word ‘shame’ the fear of experiencing myself according to the judgements that I have made of me and then accepted and allowed as real. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and be controlled and directed by a reality that has been dictated to me by the authority that I have accepted and allowed as consciousness as who I am, and as part of that this fear as who I am in which I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself through and as an accumulation of energy awareness as fear through which I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fear. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become controlled by fear.
Continuing into this next post….
New Interview: Sunette Spies:
Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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