Day 189: Failure Back-chat
Continuing with my investigations into the word ‘futility’ as I have accepted and allowed it in my mind, and its relationship to the failure personality that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody and to act for me.
Here I look into how I have accepted and allowed various fears of failure to interfere within my process of writing.
It’s not that this is complicated in itself, though it is multidimensional, in the sense that many simple things connect from different angles, and as I write I am trying to keep up with the points that open up, trying and attempting to lay them out in a linear arrangement such as writing one word after another, and attempting and trying to do this, the construction then becomes crowded out with clauses, sub-clauses, and ramifications, points opening up, and I stray into a relationship towards the writing in which I accept and allow myself to become overwhelmed, and then there is the temptation of the backchat of the failure personality that says, well, so what’s the point? And listening to this I do not interpret it as a simple question, but as a stark statement of ‘there is no point’. When the commonsense question here is ‘how can I walk through this in a practical way?’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might possibly write myself past or forget a crucial connection, where I fear that I have missed something, and therefore failed to gather all the relevant information together, and so have sabotaged my understanding, and so have wasted my effort, in which I fear that I might have to re-experience myself as failure, and so fall into the temptation of giving up. And so I remind myself that the practicality in walking this would be to take each simple point and undo the illusion that I had accepted and allowed myself to be within it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have failed to express what is here, and I remind myself that this does not represent a failure as me to express the understanding of myself that I am working on, developing, expanding, so as to face myself in what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I write is incomplete, and I remind myself that this does not represent a failure as me but that I simply have not so far yet uncovered all the points involved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not understand myself, and I remind myself that this does not represent a failure as me as in lacking so far to completely understand myself and I see and realize and understand that that my understanding and my awareness of myself is limited according to how much I accept and allow myself to open up to me as I walk this process step by step and breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of me as failure, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that this fear is actually a part of the personality of failure that I have accepted and allowed as me; and so I breathe, I do not have to accept and allow this personality as who I am to interfere with this writing, but I can instead utilize and forgive myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be within this backchat, so that I can further understand myself, and through this to not allow the temptation to give up and to give in.
It has been supportive to realize the common sense that resistance comes when I am trying to get access to that which I have structured and designed myself to avoid.
See this video:
Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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