Day 151: Ways to Be
This ‘how to be’ or a possible ‘way’ to be, is like a quest, or how I defined this question in my life when I first arrived at school, not realizing at all that this was also my decision of what I should believe or not believe, what relationships that I should make towards myself and towards the various points around me in this world.
A ‘way’ was like a script of ‘getting through’, a ‘path’ to follow, a modification of myself or a compromise that I should make to become a part of this machinery and then flow with it. So this was like a secret curriculum that I set myself within this new culture, of studying and observing ‘ways’ to be in order to conform, and within that conformity to feed my self interest as positive energy in being approved of and having my being sanctioned by the other boys and by the teacher.
Within this ‘way to be’, there lay the belief that I had already absorbed and implemented, which was that I get through this experience of life by finding ways to be, within which I had willingly let go of this connection to myself Here, and already become as superior to that which was life within my imagination and my mind as actually being whatever seemed convenient or suiting my self interest in being a part of the group which was my peers, and therefore taking part in that experience and having my full share in an image like being one of the lads or even perhaps being bestowed a nickname just like them, and even perhaps the energy reward of being addressed by this given nickname by the teacher which would be a sign of affection in some way and a sign of my inclusion in the group.
But as it was, I was the new boy, an unknown quantity, I felt as if I was being observed suspiciously, and I felt embarrassed about this newness, and I judged myself as less-than because I did not ‘know the ropes’. So here I was in this school environment looking for and hoping to receive a definition of who I was in this experience around me, and in looking at this desire to have been given a nickname, I can see that I desired to receive a definition of myself, reflective of some quality of me. I remember sitting on my bed with the other boys gathered round, and they were inspecting my new slippers; Hey, look at the size of his feet! And I felt cool, I liked my feet, and now suddenly I had ‘big feet’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for ways to be and for accepting and allowing myself to dispose of who I am as life in order to satisfy my self interested wants needs and desires and to serve my fears of not being what I had accepted and allowed myself to assess within my mind what I thought I should be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being who I am without a definition of myself because I see a group of beings all with definitions and I fear being an outsider and being left out and therefore unable to satisfy my self interests.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a picture in my mind of how I ought to be through what I see as people’s expectations of me, people that I wished to merge with and be liked by, and then attempt and try to live as that so as to get energized according to myself as mind and my self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on finding out who I am by staying with and as myself as breath and walking this new experience as it comes, and I forgive myself that instead of this I have turned towards my mind to find out who I should be, and not finding an answer have turned towards the beings around me and sought for definition of myself through them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by waiting to be included instead of seeing and realizing that I myself have taken on the stance of an outsider and have feared to move myself because I have abandoned who I am as me but turned toward my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being who I thought within my mind I should be. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a secret me inferior in my mind to this image of myself as what I thought I should be. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my own responsibility in trying to make real this image of myself that is not me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for not being who I thought within my mind I should be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger to try to make the blame more real so that I can continue to deny responsibility in trying to live this image of myself that is not me.
I commit myself to change this starting point that I have made and layered down within me that as a system of the mind it was ‘to get through life’ by finding ways to be.
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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