Walking the Dimensions of the Postponement Personality
Continuation from previous posts, starting at Day 139
Postponement and Positive Energy Temptation
What is this situation all about when in postponement processes I seek out images of myself to fulfill as a positive energy experience that I could give myself to consume right now, rather than the simplicity of being Here with myself in physical reality?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to expose to me the reality of myself and for not seeing realizing and understanding that this fear has been created by me for the purpose of protecting my beliefs in who I am according to my negative self judgements.
Over and over again looking into the mirror of my face or of a reflection in my mind as a memory or of a converted memory into some imagining, or listening to some backchat, or some internal dialogue or gossip in my mind, and finding in there always something disappointing, or repulsive, or unacceptable in some way, something lacking, or some horrid revelation or realization, like endlessly entertaining ways and routes towards this exact same self-rejection, condemnation, shame, and every time I fell for it, believing in these thoughts apparently so various that came up in my mind, that they were true, not realizing that within all this that this was so because it was into this savage perception of myself that I had put my trust, standing alone and eagle eyed within my mind, in which I had actually become severity itself, devoid of sympathy or mercy. And so I had become accustomed to being torn to shreds and cut down and my self torture had become as normal, routine, and within normality, and it had become kind of distant and automated, and after that required just memos and reminders and hints, to deliver up the exact same pound of flesh.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to understand how this impulse to feel better, good, more comfortable in who and how I am comes out of this substance of myself that I have programmed into me as this bad experience of myself in and as my own accepted negative self-judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize or understand that none of this had been me here in physical reality or as life in awareness of myself within my physical breath, but only in and as the mind as a process of energy extraction, and further evolution of this consciousness to the conditioning of the physical for consumption.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this process as normal in the context of familiarity and what I know of how I am that I am drawn within myself as if by magnetism into this negativity experience of myself through which I come back up in and as the mind as good and righteous and honest and in humility about my failings while in absolute denial about my darkest sins.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this experience of energy of and as myself as positive self judgement and for not allowing myself to see and realize the possibility that I am simply Here, and that I do not need or require this positive assessment of myself according to my own best judgement as the mind because the negative assessment of myself does not reflect my physical reality but only single points about myself that I have judged and feared and felt angry in and at myself towards and then hidden away in secret so that no one will ever find out who I really am.
I commit myself to when and as I see this thought or energy arise within these dimensions of fear and backchat and imagination to stop immediately and come back here to me deliberately breathing in this physical reality, I see and realize and understand the direction that these thoughts will lead me, and I do not accept this or allow this any more, I will not participate, I will not feed this negative experience of myself, and I do not accept this process of becoming this experience of myself as a positive reflection in my mind.
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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