Day 143: Procrastination 4, Fear and Thought
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed procrastination to become a character and a personality within my mind through which I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as humanity so that I can participate as positive energy games and entertainments and distractions in my mind. I commit myself to take apart this character and to understand its functions so that I can take back self direction to myself and change this human nature that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become and walk myself into equality as life.
continuing from previous post…
(see also Heaven’s Journey to Life Day 183 I Want it I want it now! )
The Moment of Delay
In suddenly looking away at nothing in particular I am kind of simulating physically that my attention has been caught by ‘something else’ that could possibly need to be done, as if I am scanning, and yet, as yet I have not thought of what it is. It’s like I am saying to myself there must be some excuse or justification somewhere here that can be a new diversion.
And the laptop screen seems suddenly so small and fiddly, I want to expand the page on which I am writing, to make more space, because I feel constricted, then I notice that my breaths are really small and only in my upper chest, and so I take a moment to just breathe and let my breathing sink down deeper and find my way back to being here in this physical location. An actual chair and table.
I am still looking at this moment of delay that I have accepted and allowed as a mode of operation in my relationship to myself and to the physical, and I realize now and see and understand that this is an expression of my lack of trust in who I am. I want to open up this moment of delay to see what’s in it, and to change what is there that I have deliberately put in it, and then to close it up so that it no longer exists, so that I can live directly with and as myself.
The outline of this postponement strategy is in how I manage to become convinced that I would prefer not to be here with me, but instead be with in and as a habitual positive energy experience in the mind where I have decided that
I do not prefer to be with me here any longer because suddenly I am believing in this negative experience as a fear that has come up in me as actually who I am, and that ‘I am’ stuck, that ‘I am’ unable to proceed, that ‘I am’ up against a wall, or trapped.
I commit myself to stop this self-sabotage in which I have made a system that literally lures me back into being directed by the mind and energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not notice how in the fear dimension and the start of this moment of delay I go into fear of regret in which I fear how I might possibly experience myself when I see that I have actually manifested my fear of loss and have actually lost my opportunity of returning into my habitual energy experience in the mind, as positivity, and within this I forgive myself that that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize or understand that in as regret or fear of regret that already I have wandered back into being directed by the mind, within which I am believing in myself as a choice between a negative experience of energy or a positive one rather than staying with myself in the realization that I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not notice how it is that in this moment of delay, what I have accepted and allowed is a preparation time to come up with excuses and justifications of why not to just extend the delay for a little longer.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if immediacy is gone, then it’s too late, and then, so what’s the harm, relax, and listen to the backchat, select a backchat that would suit yourself and ride with that… and feel better, you can always get back to what you were about to do later on, when you feel like it…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief about immediacy within my mind, which opens up a backdoor for the backchat dimension, and internal conversations to make myself feel better about myself ‘after the event’ of having deliberately missed my opportunity to simply carry out the task that is here for me to do.
From fear dimension to thought dimension, putting a different interpretation on to the same symbol.
A negative corner (as a fear described in previous post.)
A picture of being stood up in a corner, cornered. In this picture, I am up against the wall, like in an experience of being coerced into something that I do not wish to do, I have lost my identity as in having Choice, and I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare to then react with retaliation and stubbornness against authority.
Within this I have tacitly accepted that what I am doing is not for me but for someone else as authority, but since it is for me that I am doing this, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already crossed over into defending and justifying myself as the mind, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into competition against myself as superiority, through which I see this task that is before me as something that is beneath myself and a step down. I commit myself to the realization of myself as humility within the reality of equality and oneness and to let go of these notions of myself that I have tried to live as superiority as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a starting point of negativity as spitefulness in not doing something for someone else which is actually me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slide into anxiety of fear of doing something wrong or having done something wrong either in not doing this as in postponing it or in doing this in which I am presenting me before another in the field of my own self-judgement, so that in either doing or not doing there is a negative experience and an emphasis on this ‘being trapped’, from which the solution of the mind is obvious, just dwam off into another reality, where the problem does not exist. Within this one lurks an entrance or a possible trigger point for the ‘I’m not good enough’ character to come on stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify delay through fear of experiencing myself as ‘not good enough’, I commit myself to standing equal to this character and realigning it to what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that once I have started listening to the backchat, that I am already believing that these directions of the mind are actually me, so that rather than seeing and realizing the backchat for what it is, I am actually trying to justify and excuse myself as the mind rather than who I am here, so that I can go on to not do what it was that I directed myself to do but instead to give up on myself, and to feel better about it at the same time, and return into and as a positive experience of energy in the mind.
A positive corner, as in a picture of me in the corner of ‘my’ armchair, supported and backed up and relaxed. And I am going into let me just sit back and relax and enjoy to go into my imagination or my thinking character and see in my mind what I might possibly write before I do it, within which I am accepting that I cannot simply be with myself in writing this breathing and being here with me, but will somehow be better off to rehearse myself before I open up that door and go in ‘there’. Here I completely overlook that I am defining me as this theoretical version of myself which is in fact the mind, and I am trusting into diagrams and symbols formulas frequencies instead of trusting in me as what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with images of powerlessness and physical constriction, and loss of choice as in being ‘cornered’; and images of power and choice and physical expansion, comfort and protection, in being in the ‘corner’ of an armchair.
I commit myself to further expand this ‘moment of delay’.
I commit myself to slowing down myself in breath and to developing and accumulating self-trust practically through writing out myself and self forgiveness, so that being here, and responding to what is here is no longer conditional, as I have previously in this life accepted and allowed it to be, as I have shown myself in this requirement that I have made of a postponement personality to exist.
continuing next post…
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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