I continue to write out the character of lies in the context of attempting to ‘get away with it’, that is get away from a self that I believed to be who I was incorporated into and become as a negative experience of energy.
Here, another memory comes up that I have kept on hold, somewhere in the depths of my body, it has similar features to the other one, about the broken glass. In this memory, I have taken possession of a drawing in my school, and brought it home, it is an image of a ship moored by a quay. It is a pencil drawing on a piece of paper. There is something about the perspective of the curves of the bows in the foreground looming over the edge of the quay, with the rest of the ship trailing away behind it smaller and smaller, that has fired my imagination. I find my father, he is busy in his office, I am interrupting him, he looks at the drawing and he says ‘Did you do this?’ And I say, ‘Yes!’. Then he takes a closer look. There is someone else’s name written in the corner! Oops. I hadn’t seen that. It wasn’t my intention to lie, but I accepted and allowed myself to see this as an opportunity when it came up to present myself as an unreality so as to possibly get some praise or recognition as being something special, wherein I had designed for me an experience of myself in positive energy. And in then being caught ‘out’, I gave to me an equal and opposite experience of myself of shame and negative energy, as in having lied. At this point on the timeline my ‘father’ (or busy being important in my office character) turns away back to his type-writer, like, I haven’t got time for ‘this’, which I interpret in my mind as ‘me’.
And I am peering at the drawing, though the magic has gone out of it, because what it was has become irrelevant beside this interaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be presenting to my ‘father’ or his current character, a false picture of myself as who I am to manipulate him into making actions that I could interpret as ‘him liking me’ so that I could get the positive experience of myself that I had designed into that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice the reality of who I am in exchange for a picture of myself in my imagination
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I had not made that drawing, then my father would not be interested to see what it was I wished to show him, and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rate the interest of my father in me as more important than my own interest in myself as who I am in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as irrelevant and worthless in my father’s life and for therefore having defined myself according to my imagination of what I looked like through his eyes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the polarity of worthlessness and specialness is always a measurement of judgement as directed by the mind, and therefore is without relationship to reality or life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for recognition in being according to my desires as something ‘special’ in my mind, and for not allowing myself to see that the recognition that I seek is the recognition that I refuse to give myself because I have suppressed and hidden me away in my fear belief and judgement of who I am as something ‘worthless’ in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in who I am as here in breath into trust in who I am within imagination in my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my father was a being one and equal to myself, directed and determined by the mind as characters and personalities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give to me the opportunity to try his shoes and walk his life and understand and see the context of his life for him rather than to hold him to his characters in my memories of him and blame him for being other than what I wanted him to be.
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook