Further exploration of the memory, examining this record of the past.
I am standing with my father, but not with him, in the sense that we are here together looking upon the world, for in the picture of the memory, I cannot see him, he sort of hangs over me above me on my left hand side, waiting for an answer, and I also cannot see myself, but only what I am looking at; the doorstep and crystals of jagged glass. I am staring at the consequences of my actions. There is something for me within all this, that my actions had a consequence, and that this is irreversible, this physical quality of stability, but no matter how hard I stare, I cannot grasp it, because I am trying to make it something other than what it is.
With my father, I have accepted and allowed a relationship in which he is the one that gives me definition, as in being ‘the boys’, ‘the good soldier’, and though I have resented him and blamed him for not recognizing me, as an individual, or even as a singular entity, I have not stood up and said, but this is me, but gone along instead with all his plans for me, like go to a boxing match to harden up, or to go to a school and become ‘a man’, and I have also betrayed myself in attempting to become these definitions for him in a desire to please him, because I felt inside that he was not pleased by me. So in this blaming game, which also was a game of lies, I made a picture in my mind of him being pleased by me, and attached a positive experience of myself to that, and within that picture was his picture of me that I wanted to fulfill to please him, and at the same time blamed him for, because it was not a picture of me. And then because I did not get this positive experience of myself in him fulfilling the picture that I made of him, I blamed him for that also.
So in this memory where there has been the opportunity for me to stand up, I took the choice to sink deeper into my own self-dishonest processes of consequence, and allow the evolution of another character. Maybe this memory has been saved as a flag of a significant point of acceptance and allowance of deeper self-abuse. As such this memory contains also a point of regret, that here I did not stand.
And relating to my father as the character of lies, rather than the character of blame is actually quite a smooth progression, as all of it is based on lies, the difference here being that as this character of blame I have been attempting to realize an unreality as a picture in my mind, so as to get a positive experience of myself, whereas now I am deliberately setting forth myself before my father as an unreality, not as one that has been designed for me but now as one that I have designed myself. As such this transition from a character of blame to the character of lies I now realize to be an act of spite.
Self Forgiveness and Self Correction statements
In next blog…
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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