Memory: I am chasing my brother around the garden, and he dodges into the house and locks the door. I run to the back door but he gets there first and locks that one too. Thoughts come into my mind: ‘I have been shut out’, ‘I have lost’. My brother is on the inside making faces at me, taunting me. He has turned the tables on me, ‘he has outwitted me’. Usually I am the superior one, and now I feel inferior. I bang on the glass, shouting at him, getting more and more angry. Maybe I can use authority on him, make him obey me, ‘Open the door, open the door, let me in, let me in! But he just stands there, shaking his head. And then, smash, the glass is broken. ‘It’s all your fault’, I say, blaming him.
Then my father turns up, he is standing next to me. He says, ‘What happened?’, ‘Who did this?’. ‘It wasn’t me’. I say. My father looks into the house at the glass lying on the kitchen floor. So who was on the outside? He says. I look down, I feel ashamed, well of course obviously it must have been me, ‘I am on the outside.’ My father says nothing, he just walks away.
So I am standing with my father and I am in fear of facing the reality of what has happened, my responsibility in this situation, the reality of me here, having gone into a big reaction of anger, and then having accidentally broken some glass, and then putting the blame on to my brother, like it was his ‘fault’, and not my ‘fault’.
Some internal conversation:
If I am responsible then it is ‘my fault’, that means I am the one to receive the blame, then I am in the firing line of anger and judgement and condemnation, I am the bad one, and having a fault means that there is something wrong with me. I do not want to experience myself as all of this, and yet within and as this system network of beliefs, I have to, unless I step out sideways from it all in absolute denial of who I am.
It’s interesting how the ‘what happened?’ as the physical reality of the broken glass as ‘who did this’ has become the focus in this situation, while the real issue of ‘what happened’ in the energetic underworld of this family that led up to the consequence of the broken glass, and the consequence of my presentation of myself in all of this in fear as a lie in total denial of reality, goes by unanswered. In the situation I can sort of feel these other questions within this question of ‘what happened?’, but I am unable to articulate, I do not have the vocabulary, I am not in breath but in my mind in a storm of fear.
I will continue into this next blog.
The Quantum Mind
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