Today I muttered in my mind ‘fuck-off’ essentially to myself as I felt the movement of some back-chat. So first I pulled the words ‘fuck off’ out to have a look at them.
When I first heard the phrase ‘fuck off’ applied, ‘off’ seemed like the most terrible place possible, because no one cared where it was. And that a world in which a person could be sent to such a place seemed equally terrible. It was not so much the words themselves but the tonality and the callous hostility of the energy that was a new experience for me. The experience of this energy was sort of coarse, abrasive, brutal.
I can’t place exactly where this memory came from. In a picture of it which may belong to the imagination dimension, it looks like this: I feared to be in the shoes of the one sent into exile, and I really did not like myself, in my own shoes that I just stood there and let it happen, and if he’d caught my eye, I would have felt ashamed, and looked away. More than anything I feared the attention of the bully and his gang, in case they picked on me. I feared this world where no one cared.
I am not sure that all of this is memory but it is certainly a sort of profile of a character that I accepted and allowed to be activated as a set of relationships, the character would be a ‘standing off from’, which I could define by the back-chat, ‘It’s got nothing to do with me’, and tacitly, I will do nothing with and as this, and I will not recognize who I am in this. There are other aspects or maybe developments of this character, such as the ‘witness’ and the ‘observer’, and I recognize these as a primary character of me, and I can see the devastating play-out consequence of this as me as humanity.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have encapsulated in my mind and in my physical flesh this phrase together with this experience of sound and with my fear of being outside a group as vulnerable to gossip and definition by others in my absence where I have no control over my definition which I have accepted and allowed to be placed upon me by the outside world believing that who I am must be according to the opinions of others as I have no trust in who I am as me here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through fear to allow myself to be directed to remain so that I can keep my eye on things so that I won’t have to be that experience of myself as the definition which may or might be placed on me according to my self judging wildest undermining fantasies in my imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate this character as a reaction to my own back-chat, wherein rather than facing who I have become within this back-chat, I have confirmed my own automated determination to not do so, and therefore turned this fuck-off onto myself into a song of praise towards the quantum mind.
The Thought Dimension
Picture of being shut outside, locked out.
The Fear Dimension
1) Fear of being the rejected one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the rejection of me from a group. Within this I forgive myself for making this relationship of me to a ‘group’ in which I have not allowed myself to see and realize that there is no ‘group’ but only as a construct in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this thought in my mind which defines me as alone which I have interpreted in my mind as being rejected, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give with my own judgment a negative value to this picture of me standing alone as in being rejected and therefore a negative experience of myself as energy within and as my mind.
I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself as a living being by accepting and allowing myself to be a negative experience of energy as a picture in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am in this thought of me standing alone as rejected, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined according to an other beings relationship to me, so that I have given away my own power of me being here as who I am as me in order to accept myself as victimized by others.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship of me towards an idea in my mind of ‘group’ and of ‘rejected’ as a victim, in which I have given away my ability to take my own directive principle and act according to the situation in physical reality according to what is best for all but instead to be directed by victim character in an alternative reality that I have accepted and allowed within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the energy game in which I accept and allow my experience of myself as negative or positive emotions or feelings according to how I assess and interpret my relationship of me to others and of others to me within my mind.
I commit myself to walk this process of myself from consciousness as the mind and into the physical as me as life and therefore into the physical of all as one as life and into the realization that there is but one real group which is the group of life.
I commit myself to through breathing and slowing down of me to no longer let myself react to this thought of me standing alone by giving to it a context of fear or judgment or any other energy that I have utilized to justify this character of standing ‘off’ from others.
I commit myself to no longer let go of who I am by accepting and allowing myself to be defined by me according to my judgement, or by being defined by others, in which I commit myself to walk this process and to practically stop the energy polarity game through breathing self commitment and through self forgiveness.
I commit myself to investigate and explore the dimensions of the victim characters to re-extract myself from these relationships, as my responsibility as me and to deconstruct the victim character.
Fear Dimension to be continued in next blog…
for more context see:
Heaven’s Journey to Life Day 163: Character Dimensions Practical Application Part1
The Quantum Mind
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