Day 124: Me and my Father
More on self judgment, and being ‘not good enough’.
I am 7, I am walking back from school coming down the back lane, and a gang of boys run past me, one of them grabs my cap. I try to get it back, but they form a circle round me and play catch with my cap, so it is like a game of piggy in the middle, only I never get it back. I don’t remember clearly, but I suppose that they must have tired of this teasing game when I began to cry. I come home without my cap, I am upset, like I have just been mugged. My father says that we must train you up in boxing so that you can defend yourself, his general harden you up, make a man of you scheme. He presents to me this picture of myself as being a boxer and able to fight, so that people cannot just take things from me again. I feel happy that he has presented to me a solution.
I do not remember any training, except being entered into a boxing contest on the other side of town. When the night comes, there is no one at home who will go with me. I am told by my father to go in there and show them, and come back with a cup. I am told that I must go alone and catch the bus. On the bus I am very anxious, I have butterflies in my stomach.
At the contest, I am quickly tired, I do not have the strength that I desire to have in my arms and legs. I am beaten, and I return home, the loser, without a cup. I feel that I have let my father down, and I feel that I am not good enough.
Looking back on this, it seems like the relationship that I accepted between me and my father was that it was his role to put a picture in my head of how he thought I should be, and then I should run away and attempt to achieve it. It never occurred to me to ask then why it was that he was not there with me to support me in this or to show me in any way how this was to be done. It was like he was the managing director of the company which was my family, and he would make decisions about my future, but I would hardly ever see him.
In my life I see a relationship of me as a mind to the world in which my body just cannot meet my expectations which are that it should just fulfill whatever picture was in my mind. And me trying to fulfill a picture in my mind in which I have good feelings about who I am as good enough.
Fear of seeing and facing this judgment of myself as who I am as not good enough as not matching up to the pictures in my father’s mind, but being as a disappointment, had the consequence of fear of seeing my father. This is why that when I look for memories of this relationship there are very few that I can find, because all of them are charged with this self-judgment of not good enough and disappointment, and I do not want to see these negative pictures that I have made of me, and therefore I have suppressed them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only accept myself if I match up to my father’s expectations of me which I hold inside myself as a picture in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide away from me my own self-judgments as definitions of who I am that I have accepted and allowed to control my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself with fear of facing who I am, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is not good enough, and therefore inferior and unacceptable in my being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing who I am, believing in this who I am as inferior and not good enough.
I commit myself to the acceptance of who I am as who I am here now in this physical reality.
The Quantum Mind
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