Day 122: The Box: Roots of Judgement
Continuing from last blog, the backchat dimension:
“Closing my eyes for a moment to the impact of some backchat such as ‘I have fucked up’, I realize that I am shutting down on an awareness of myself and putting it away.”
Checking and re-checking the details of recent memories, that is part of the character of judgment, accepting and allowing myself to be drawn out into the mind, checking on the status of relationships, how did I do, how might I have appeared, what did they think, did I fuck up, do they like me, do they trust me, how did I sound, did they notice this or that which I had hidden, was that a give-away, should I have said this; a breathless inspection, an adrenaline rush of fear, all founded on and in support of the belief that who I am in this existence is according to these minds that I imagine, and yet of which, know nothing. And in this cascade of backchat there is no moment in which I ask myself, but who am I within this thought that I participate within and as? Checking on the judgments everywhere, I have wandered far away from home, and have forgotten that I once lived somewhere real.
And what is it as a mind that I am checking, am I safe, secure, is there a change? Will my definition hold? Will this definition fluctuate, is it stable, is there a fault, an anomaly, something out of place, a contradiction. Exposing this, my mind goes into tantrums, the fear is that I can no longer exist if I let go of this illusion of my existence continuing as all these separations of myself as my assessments of who I am and how I stand, in these imaginary relationships to others.
Exposing to myself the definitions that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become, the ones that give rise to this personality of judgment and the backchat thoughts that proliferate from out of it, these are the definitions that I must face, and then un-program as the roots of this personality that I have then required to act for me, rather than closing my eyes against the awareness of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, shielding and protecting myself from the pain of self judgments that is the consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to have a definition of myself within my mind, of who and what I am, rather than accepting me as this silence that is Here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a lack in me, of having no definition of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is something that I need.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and be aware of my own self dishonesty in my actions through my beliefs of separating me from my completeness in my being Here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that a definition of myself that I believe that I require is formulated out of relationships of separation, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start a process in my mind of making separations in my world so as to have relationships that I can combine into a definition of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up relationships in my mind through comparing myself to others that I see around me in this world, that I see in separation from myself, so that I can have a definition for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the definitions that I have made of who I am as relationships to others that I have accepted and allowed myself to see in separation from myself have been made of energy, and that therefore I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy and to become characters of energy, not realizing my own self dishonesty in this because who I am is Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in defining me in separation in and as relationships to others as energy that I have accepted and allowed a world of polarities as energy, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-dishonesty is bad and wrong and therefore I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a negative polarity of the mind, and accepted who I am as judgment of myself as wrong and bad.
I commit myself to undermine my own protections of the mind system and the force of self-interest that I have accepted and allowed as fear. I commit myself to not only face the fear that I have accepted and allowed within and as and toward myself within my activities of negative judgment of myself as well as negative judgment of my judgmentality through which I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress from my own awareness who and what I have accepted and allowed and defined myself to be, but also to look beyond the fear that I have allowed as fear of fear, which is simply my relationship of me to fear, as fear.
I commit myself to learn to trust this me as life, to learn to trust my own expression of myself, to walk a new way with myself that has no reference to or condition of the character of judgment.
Continuing on this next blog…
The Quantum Mind
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