Day 121: The Box: Judgement and Suppression
“Taking the point of consequence further to encompass overall process, it’s clearly able to be seen, that the allowance and acceptable of oneself’s existence in and as the self-judgment character will compromise ones ability to walk process, especially when it comes to walking the world-system, because the self-judgment will not allow oneself to stand in the face of any and all challenges and assert oneself to bring about and live and stand for what’s best for all life, no matter what. Because the self-judgment character will diminish and compromise and suppress Self.”
Extract from: Journey to Life Aldin Hrvat
Closing my eyes for a moment to the impact of some backchat such as ‘I have fucked up’, I realize that I am shutting down on an awareness of myself and putting it away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given over my directive principle in this existence to a configuration of energy or a character or so far unknown characters of judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the common sense that my lacking of awareness about who I am in this existence is entirely deliberate because I have hidden and suppressed and made secret to myself all the parts of me that I have negatively judged as wrong, as bad, or as unacceptable to society the world and therefore to me myself, because I have made this judgement character out of the way I see myself through an idea in my mind of the eyes of the world, and therefore within this limited myself to be according to the relationships I have made around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or understand that stepping beyond the within of my energy awareness has not been possible because I have accepted and allowed myself to be animated controlled and directed by my own character or characters of judgement which exist entirely within and as and for the ends of energy according to the principles of energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from me my experiences of energy that I have accepted and allowed as who I am according to the judgements that I have accepted and allowed as me, as mine, as who I really am.
Giving to the suppression character permission to act in accordance with the character of judgement means that when this ‘me’ energy awareness as the character of judgement sees itself and judges itself, then suppression follows suppression and I end up in this vague unspecified fear state as a zombie, because all previous existence centred in me as judgement is being channeled into suppression, and then I literally and deliberately allow the shut down of all awareness of myself and don’t know who I am, because I have negatively judged and then suppressed my own mechanism of judgement and suppression, so that when I look to see what I have done, I see nothing, and I have no awareness of myself, and I go into this experience of being stuck in my self investigations. This is the crisis of me as judgement. This is the outline of the energy awareness box that I have accepted and allowed as the limits to who I am.
Memories in which I accepted and allowed the judgements of those around me as being images of truth:
In a geography class I have turned in some homework of which I am very proud, and believe that the teacher will be pleased with my work. Instead I am shocked to hear that he is using me as an example of what not to do, and is manipulating the spiteful mockery of the class. What I have done is drawn in representations of the waves in the sea around a map of the British Isles, rather than what the teacher wanted, which was a uniform shading of blue. I could not understand the anger of this teacher, or the reason for his deliberate misinterpretation of my drawing as ‘flocks of sea-gulls’, for the purpose of his sarcastic joke.
In an English exam I have enjoyed writing an essay which I thought in my mind was an invitation to make up an imaginative story, but when I get my work returned to me I find that I have been marked in red ink 0 out of 100, because I have misread the question.
In both these memories I form the belief that my self-expression is entirely inappropriate to the situation of being in school, and is in some way ‘wrong’, and in both memories, I form the belief that I cannot trust my self-expression, because I now believe that it is more important to be ‘appropriate’ to the demands of the system than it is to express my self, and that if I express myself without according my expression to the system then I will be victimized by the system in the form of my teachers and ‘fellow’ peers, which in the situation of a boarding school, is my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being victimized by the world, in which I see a picture of me being picked out and used as an example of something wrong and inferior and to be mocked and used as spitting image to make others feel better about themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self expression because I cannot trust that if I express myself directly that I will not be in some way inappropriate and therefore at risk of exposing who I am as ‘wrong’ or ‘inappropriate’, and therefore at risk of being victimized through being mocked or rejected by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self expression, because I fear that if I express myself then I will be misunderstood, and not be given space to explain exactly what I mean, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I express myself at all then I must do so quickly and precisely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my self expression must be shaped according to the expectations of others, because if it is not then I believe that I will be judged by them, and I fear that judgement because I believe that in being judged I will be victimized.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my self -judgement of worth according to how acceptable I am to the group, so that in fear of being singled out and victimized I am in fear of losing this self judgement of worth of self that I have placed in separation from myself into the world around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my ‘worth’ a matter of self-judgement according to the principles of the systems of the mind rather than according to the principle of who I am Here as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being the victimized one or the scapegoat rather than facing my own responsibility in separating myself from all others so as to turn exclusively to my self interests.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a character of judgement to direct me so as to protect myself from my fear of victimization which I have used as an excuse to justify following exclusively my self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power to the character of judgement and then to believe my own judgements of myself to be true statements and accurate definitions of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my own self judgements, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the directives of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by what I believe in my mind to be the judgements of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I am because I have believed in my own self judgements.
An English class, boys are being asked to read out parts in a Shakespeare play, when my turn comes, the teacher asks me to read it out with a little more feeling, but I do not understand the significance of the lines, or what feelings may or may not be required. I try to put more variation into my voice, which results in much laughter from the class. I feel embarrassed. I believe there must be something ‘wrong’ with me, that I can bring no animation into my voice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own judgement of myself that there must be something wrong with me because I did not understand these lines of Shakespeare.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to ask the teacher to explain what these lines mean because I fear the judgement of the teacher that I expect which is that he cannot explain it because I am stupid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my judgement of myself that there must be something wrong with me because when I read out loud my voice sounds flat, and without feeling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my feelings from my self expression because I am afraid that if I let my feelings out then I will have lost control and then I am in danger of exposure of who I really am of which I feel ashamed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the world for judging me, and for not allowing myself to see and realize that I am doing exactly what I am judging others for, the only difference being that I see my judgements as righteous, because I am seeing myself as being the victim.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as a victim my judgements of others must be righteous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that in judging myself I am victimizing me and at the same time believing in my righteousness to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the character of judgement by victimizing me before all others get the opportunity, so as to be in accord with them and on their side against me, and so that in some way I can win because I got there first.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in this self-treachery there is what I have positively judged, humility, and therefore within that I have judged myself in victimizing me, to be better than others.
Continuing next blog…
The Quantum Mind
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