Day 118: Revolving Doors
As today it was anxiety again that came up and remained as this stuck feeling inside me, I realized that once again I have to look at what I have been doing in and as the character of judgement that initiates this anxiety experience.
Understanding that this physical intervention using cigarettes has been my habitual method of ‘rounding off the corners’ of my anxiety, in which I have been reasserting my decision to not actually face who I am in this anxiety but rather somehow accommodate it and make it more comfortable to live with, in which I go into this limited choice of ‘I’d rather not have bad feelings, but good feelings, or at least comfort instead, or this one, where I go, ‘I don’t want to think ‘that’ anymore, because it gives me a bad feeling, and so by implication, I’d rather think something that gives to me a good feeling. Herein lies the whole hope for the best and fear of the worst construct, with the ‘best’ and the ‘worst’ specified according to these values in my mind of good and bad and right and wrong, to which I have attached such, reality.
Looking at all of this today I realized how although I have done much self-forgiveness in the context of judgement, that I have accepted and allowed the word judgement to remain as negatively charged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an energetic charge to the word judgement. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that in using this word according to my own definition of it with and as a negative charge connected up with fear as in for example Dread, that I have been sabotaging my own self forgiveness, because for example in forgiving myself for judging myself as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ in being for example as yesterday ‘angry’, I have overlooked that the judgement already contains the badness or the wrongness in it’s own definition, and therefore all I have been doing is forgiving myself for spreading my accepted wrongness or badness onto other things without having looked at carefully who I am within the word judgement. So like this, it has been like a revolving door. And regardless of my self forgiveness, the anxiety experience has remained.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that judgement itself is neither good nor bad or right or wrong but simply the choice I have made to attribute unto things and aspects of myself values which are only of energy and of the mind, and have no direct relationship to the physical reality or to life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as judgement in that I have given myself the ‘right’ to attribute values to things and to experiences of myself in this world within which I have accepted and allowed myself to define this who I am as superior to and separate from life itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as judgement and as the arbiter of values not of life or of reality to have used and accepted these values to be applied by myself on to me in which I have accepted myself as both god and as my own damnation of god at the same time.
I commit myself to listen to the anger that comes up in me towards myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as life to become trapped between the energy polarities of hope and fear subservient to the authority of the mind.
The Quantum Mind
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