I commit myself to Actual Physical Change.
Not smoking again today. Not having this substance in my blood stream is a definite physical change for me to cope with. I’ve been spaced out in my conscious mind, sort of fluttery and unsettled, like in a new and different space with me, just me. Kind of zombie like as well, brooding, so I have kept as active as possible, though this afternoon I sat down and dropped for a few minutes into a dizzy sleep. I noticed how much the pre-temptation backchat was like the mind touching on points of memory in which there had been some sort of conflict, and recognizing them for what they were as they began to move I was kind of like going yeah yeah, then I feel this and then I feel that, I participate in that one, then I need a smoke, and there we go, mission accomplished. So it was really like maybe it was the addict character going round and knocking on the doors.
But on one of the memory doors I did react and that reaction was to my own rising anger. There was a situation recently where I had got angry because I perceived that someone was attempting to control me, and then I felt bad about myself that I had allowed myself to get angry, and that in that quick movement of anger I realized it was too fast or too strong for me to control or to subdue, and that in that moment my apparent stability counted for nothing, so in that there was a sense of a shattered illusion. And in contrast to this illusion there was this anger that felt so very real, like, very bad news, here is the actual truth of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when I believe that I am being controlled. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert that anger that I feel, towards another person, and that I have gone into a belief that I am righteous and justified to blame and be angry towards someone who I have given the power to take away my apparently sacred freedom of choice to indulge my self interest. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely ignore the question of what would be best for all in this situation, but instead have become obsessed with winning and being superior in asserting my rights to continue to indulge in my self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship with my anger in which I am separate from myself as it, and that this relationship is one of fear in which I am less than it.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be one and equal to myself in my reaction of anger so that I may observe myself in this moment within and as this energy and see what is the starting point of this and what is the end and how does this relate to my self interest, what of my self interest is it that I am trying to defend?
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that in me exerting blame and anger towards another being, I am becoming the one that seeks to control the other, and I am seeking to take the authority myself and win, when the trigger point of my anger was the other apparently in my mind doing the same to me, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of authority and have sought to fight over authority and subjugation, and I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that my anger has been instigated from this jealousy of authority and therefore comes from fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to subjugate and control the anger in myself by pushing it down inside me through judging myself as wrong and bad for being angry, and then for attempting to subdue these bad feelings and guilt that I have accepted and allowed by controlling them also and pushing them down too through smoking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and then allow and fear my own self judgements and to hide from them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to programme myself to judge myself immediately as bad and wrong in being angry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my anger away in a cage inside myself for fear it might get out and for fear that I might lose control.
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