Day 116: The Addict and Fear of Loss

 

How moments of this life have been used up in thoughts connected to good feelings as valued in the getting of more energy to pour into the comfort zones of my self interest? The addict character is like the automation that I have accepted and allowed, not just in smoking but in all of this ‘good’ energy experience. Interesting that in smoking cigarettes I have been actually carrying out a ritual in which I have been literally consuming the substance of the physical world by means of fire, and a flame, and light, like the symbol of hope and energy, and looking towards each moment of ignition of pure and absolute self interest as satisfaction. So that if I look at the physical timeline of this smoking activity it is like moving from starting point to starting point of replenishment of self interest.

And between these starting points, the low, the feeling of being stranded in a place where I cannot fulfill my self interest, which to the mind is like being without breath, and craving comes up as an interpretation of a fear of loss.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the apparent nothingness of a world in which I cannot indulge my self interest in the form of good feelings and good evaluations of my experience, a world in which there is nothing to be drawn, a world in which there is no place for me as an addict to  the mind to set up some polarity of energy, a world in which I simply be and am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to mementos in my mind as souvenirs of childhood experiences such as the smell of a cigar box, or of cigarette smoke, that later I would use to justify a character of something missing, as if I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that part of me was left back there, within that memory of a bygone time, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something in my childhood that I left behind, that I cannot give to myself now, which was a feeling of safety.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself within creating a relationship between a world of fear now and a world of safety in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this positive memory experience of childhood safety according to a physical house and garden surrounded by a wall as ‘home’, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into a relationship between myself and a physical time and place, through which I could not feel complete without evoking some memory of connection, and being ‘there’ in my mind, or for a moment re-experiencing this time and place within a smell such as the smell of a cigar box, or the scent of cigarette smoke in a moment of  ‘all being well’ between my parents.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what this ‘trigger’ thought represented, this thought of me exhaling cigarette smoke in an experience of ‘well being’, to be an image of completion.

I commit myself to investigate this character of ‘something missing’ that justifies and requires the addiction character to manage its completion.

 

It’s interesting how a metaphor/image of this process as the ‘unpacking my baggage’ comes up here, and that I am now making a space in which I can drag those boxes out that I have dragged from place to place, and have a look at the contents.

 

So back to the memory of my ‘tuck-box’ with which I arrived at boarding school, with secretly inside it my felt mouse, as well as, now I realize, the keys to my family home, which I must have slipped into the box at the last possible moment.

That I took with me the keys to the house shows me the fear of loss that I must have accepted and allowed, and my fear of no longer having access to this part of my life. A consequence, three years later, of this fear was that I did actually lose the house and all its contents, as it was sold while I was at school, and then demolished.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a character out of this fear of loss as in holding on to and ‘having’ something missing.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my childhood life/place/house. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my belonging, and my belongings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing my house’ to losing my ‘home’ as my ‘belonging’, and all of it to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my belonging as a place where I belong, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lost, and to fear the experience that I have accepted and allowed in being and becoming loss as lost, and as fear of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined be-longing according to a time and place that is separate from who I am, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘long’ for part of me that I have separated myself from, and within this to actually become and ‘be’ ‘longing’ itself as a character with ‘something missing’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate a character of day dreams with which I have accepted and allowed myself to supply the needs of this longing within an alternative reality within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of loss towards no longer smoking cigarettes, and for not allowing myself to see and realize that this fear of loss and within that, fear of fear, is the ground on which I started the addiction character, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to longing and to hope within smoking reveries and daydreams on a basis of fear of loss that I have accepted as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of loss as who I am to be an unchangeable fact of my nature, that it is something that I will have to cope with and find ways to manage such as with smoking and shifting into alternative realities.

 

I commit myself to change all the aspects of this nature that I have accepted and allowed as ‘who I am’.

 

continued next blog

 

 

Changing the Character of the World

 

It is my Opinion  see also the Opinion Character

Journey to Life Day100: Giving it your All – 100% Life Commitment

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Catch up on:

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/Desteni.org Equalmoney.org

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~ by adamsblogs on September 1, 2012.

One Response to “Day 116: The Addict and Fear of Loss”

  1. […] Day 116: The Addict and Fear of Loss (adamsjourneyintolife.wordpress.com) […]

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