Day 105: Secret Mouse Exposed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or understand or recognise the relationship of the mind to the physical wherein accepting and allowing the mind to utilize itself as consciousness for its own ends, I have not seen how my accepted containment and protections of my fears as secrets within my mind have resulted in an apparent separate world that is dominated by a cult of deliberate ignorance of what is actually real.
Therefore I commit myself to walk out of and to expose all secrets of the mind that I have accepted and allowed and to have protected as a ‘good soldier’ of the mind in the realization that this fear within me is the root cause of this deliberate ignorance within my world of what is real and what is Life.
I commit myself to walk this process through writing out and facing me in the lies that I have lived and have concealed until I have walked into a world in which there are no secrets, a world in which the illusions of the mind have finally dissolved, a world in which all beings have aligned themselves to walk themselves into the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce my understanding of this world through shutting down my realization of what it is that is ‘I’ am, and by limiting myself by closing off the aspects where I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up with secret layers.
I continue with my commitment here to open up and to walk through these early years of this specific life, in which responding to a drastic change from home to school, I accepted and allowed these energetic patterns as characters to emerge in an ‘emergency’ of fear that was all of my creation.
Meeting my peers.
Making up lies as instant responses and reactions became like an extension to protect my day dream world. The truth of me in what I said became irrelevant to me; while what I said became entirely separated from what I actually thought. Then I discovered that no matter what I said to members of my group, they would find it amusing or deliberately misinterpret it, repeating it to one another. I felt much too slow to respond within this quick style of banter. But I believed that I should respond and respond with anything simply for the purpose of getting past this point in which I had been asked a question. I feared to express the truth about myself because I feared that if I did then I would get hurt because the reality of me seemed fragile and not able to survive in this kind of world, and yet every time I spoke, anyway I became exposed, and so I came to fear this moment.
A memory: I am checking in my tuckbox to make sure that nothing has been disturbed. This was a plywood box with my name and number written on the lid, it was my only private place within the school. I kept it locked, and kept an eye on it because it contained a secret that was a small felt animal, a mouse wearing a blue jacket, which I had smuggled in from home. My box contained an inner box, and this was where I hid him. The secret of my relationship with this toy was a fearful one because if it was to be exposed it felt like my childhood would be destroyed and I would be humiliated and be forever labeled as a baby and ostracized from my group.
Into my relationship to this little felt mouse in a blue jacket, and my preservation of this toy; I was the carer for it, keeping it safe and secret. What it represented was a childhood dream of being-ness without responsibility, of being cared for, absolutely, it was like a being in the calm eye of a storm of hostility, like being cozy tucked up in bed in a room with a thunderstorm outside and trees rattling their branches against the windows, and the actual sensation of tucking around my bed that would seal me into this world of safety. Here was the gentleness of bed tucking as a physical sensation of my mother and a polarity of the hostility that I feared in her, which therefore became like bed tucking as a symbol of love.
I forgive myself that have I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there could exist a beingness as me that is separate from responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make real this idea within my mind of beingness without responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reality because within responsibility as who I am, I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of mother’s love as symbolized within my mind as gentleness and affection and as my protection from my fear of realization of my mother’s ‘hostility’, which was my perspective of her independence, non-enslavement, and my realization of the reality of the mother as a system of self interest that cannot serve my own self interest system as a slave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposure of myself to me as a baby because in seeing this perspective of myself through other’s eyes and from outside then I feared that I would lose this internal experience of who I am because having become conscious of my physical reality from there, there would be no turning back into this illusion of the mind that seemed so cozy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own spite onto my mother because I feared to recognize my anger that I could not manipulate her into being my slave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the righteousness of my blame of my mother because if I saw and realized and understood my own responsibility within this then I would lose the illusion as an idea in my mind of my beingness without responsibility that therefore must be served.
I commit myself to release this baby/dictator polarity character that I have kept preserved within my mind.
Continued next blog…
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