Day 104: Jealousy Character and Giving up my Brother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and to manifest this character existence as me as a system of the mind in which my brother stands only as a reminder of my fear that I will not satisfy my own self interest.
Abandoning my younger brother to his fate on the same day that I arrived at boarding school, it seemed to me years later, as the family programming snapped into place, to be the biggest crime imaginable. But at the time, I accepted this to be, ‘what one does’ as I was told by a member of the group which I had been introduced to, who also had been dumped by an older brother, and seemed to be experienced in such things. It was like a younger brother was an ‘untouchable’, a lower order of life, inferior, and if I was to qualify to be amongst the eldest group, then the only thing was just to dump him. This I did willingly for fear of going against the group. But I see now that also this unwritten rule was useful to me to justify my desire to separate from him, in order to step out of my family character and to become myself in my own right, complete with my own name-tag on my clothes and my own towel, and to feel my way into this identity of ‘just’ me, this new ‘personality’ character. The family character was me ‘and’ my brother as ‘the boys’. Underlying this desire to break ‘free’ and become ‘just’ me, and to rid myself of my brother, was a jealousy of him that I could not allow myself to face, that he had a bonding with my mother that I did not have. A memory came up with ‘my own towel’, where in preparing for being sent away to school, my mother had presented us with towels; a green striped one for him, and a black striped one for me. Looking at these towels I immediately judged the green striped towel as nicer, and therefore evidence that she was treating him better than me. When I compared the towels together, the green towel seemed according to the interpretation of my mind, softer and more fluffy, and more affectionate, while the black striped one seemed hard and coarse. In my mind it seemed like she was giving to him a special something of herself to take with him to school, and not to me. My dismay in seeing the ‘evidence’ of this in these towels I had to hide away because I feared that if I spoke out what I felt that then I might lose even her civility or perhaps she would no longer make the effort to pretend to love us equally. Within my reactions to this towel event, the lying character appears with ‘nothing’s wrong’, and ‘I’m alright’ to protect this fear to lose the dream that mother loves me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my brother and to judge myself as less than him because I have imagined in my mind that I am not loved like him, and therefore there is something in me that I have not got, a lack within me, within my being.
When I look into the apparent coarseness and roughness of the towel, a memory comes up in which I am small and in the bath, and I have cried out with shampoo in my eyes, but I feel my mother’s anger as she scrubs my throat with a rough flannel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the anger of my mother because she has ignored my pain and has hurt my throat while I am in the bath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my need of my mother’s love according to my fear of realizing that she might deliberately wish to cause me harm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this throat scrubbing memory to this towel which my mother brought for me to take to school, and for seeing this towel as evidence that I am not loved by her and for seeing in my brother’s towel that he is loved and for within this to have justified this jealousy within me and through this to have justified my spite towards my brother in dumping him at school.
I commit myself to explore and to expose and to release this jealousy character completely as I walk this process into actual life in physical reality. I commit myself to release this fear within me that is the foundation of the characters that I have accepted and allowed to act for me.
I commit myself to further investigate this character of ‘just’ me within which I see and realize the hunger or greed that arose within me when I arrived into this institution of a boarding school away from ‘home’ to become and to develop as a system of self interest as energy as consciousness as mind.
I commit myself to see and realize and walk myself into the only real actual Home I ever had which is within and as this Physical Existence.
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