Day 103: Collisions with Reality
School life. Age eleven. Six years onward from this time, my father would be dead, I would have no home, and totally possessed by the mind, I would be committing suicide. So as I walk through my school life I continue with some of the events of my first three months of school and the characters that came out to play, and led into this total mind fuck.
Just like in my walk into the world of games and physical activity with no preparation and no concept of preparation in my mind, I walked into lessons without realizing that my assigned group had unlike me already had the experience of a prep school, so it was that my difficulty in keeping up and understanding the context of the lessons had a practical foundation, that what was missing was not something of myself but an education that I had not had. Like walking into a grade 3 piano lesson, without having gone through or having realized the existence of grades 1 and 2, and then fucking up, and then deciding in my self that I was useless at piano. Seems ridiculous to me now that I was not informed about the situation, or maybe I was, but just did not understand the significance of what I had been told, or else I had already slipped out of the window and into my mind. Whatever, within all this, I defined myself as ‘not good enough at’ because ‘I can’t catch up’, whether chasing a ball or following the gist of a lesson in English grammar.
The adult who might have been a personal support in this situation was the housemaster; who was the single connection between the school and my parents, and as such the only one with information of my background history, had apparently in my mind taken a great disliking to me. Rather than having a supportive role, he scared the shit out of me. A relationship of fear was established in his first sentence to me, which was, ‘Does your father beat you?’ ‘No? Well I do.’ Here it seemed to me that he had indicated to me that he was both taking over my father’s role, and threatening me with physical violence, and I believed that he would beat me if I did not submit to his control. His actual violence was in an unpredictable volatility in which he would suddenly explode into a raging anger. I remember walking up the stairs to lunch one day and suddenly his voice boomed out, ‘and if anybody else walks across the flowerbed, then I shall break their neck.’ I tip-toed into a dining room full of boys sat at tables, staring down at their mashed potato, with this red faced man glaring around the room. This was my first experience of such anger, and my reaction to it was fear. I had no idea whether I had walked across a flower bed or not, but I believed that this man would break someone’s neck for doing so.
The day after my arrival I was given two shillings to walk into the local town and buy a geometry set. I enjoyed this outing and spent the change on a packet of stamp hinges and some sweets. When I came back to the school, the house master asked me for the change. I went into fear immediately, and lied. I said that it had fallen down a drain. What I thought was that this was money from my father, and therefore mine, and therefore that I was free to spend the change. But the fear that I had generated inside towards this house master was so great, that I did not even consider to present my perspective on this money, but I went instead into this old pattern that I had already established at home, which was to lie, and so to ‘get away with it’, because I had found that with my father there had been no consequence. A different matter with this housemaster, who rather than saying nothing as my father would have, confronted me with ‘Do you really expect me to believe that? You are a thief and you are a liar.’ Up in the dormitory I had now to somehow hide the evidence of my crime, the packet of stamp hinges, but I could find nowhere to safely hide them, but then I saw the window, and in panic of the housemaster coming up the stairs, I decided to throw them out. This was a terrible decision, because as soon as the wind took hold of them, they went everywhere, all over the balcony and into the dormitory, there were hundreds of them. It seemed as if even the elements were against me. Well I managed to sweep away the evidence before anyone came to look for it, but into the future, the label of being a thief and a liar in this man’s eyes, and also in my own, had stuck, and as this man was to be my housemaster for the next six years, the consequence of this lie was far reaching.
Fearing a relationship that I could not avoid, in which the other beings method of control is to induce fear to get control by manipulating my fear of becoming possessed by fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a being that has recognized that I fear being possessed by my own fear and therefore can be induced to become possessed by fear and therefore with the threat of this, can be manipulated and controlled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and to avoid all contact with a being that has recognized how I can be controlled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being manipulated and controlled, within which
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to recognize and see that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated by my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a being that could suddenly become angry and start shouting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a being that uses sarcasm in which they say one thing but mean another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own responsibility in my actions through which I have consented and allowed myself to be instead directed by these characters within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by this lying character that seeks to make an alternative history of reality and to try and imprint it onto others so as to avoid the responsibility that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe into existence fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to have shaped my life.
I commit myself to face the fear that I have created in my belief of fear and to walk and re-walk all the paths that I have paved with fear and that have led me to where I am and to open up their secret ways and to release this fear from my body and my mind and from this world.
Continuing next blog…
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