Day 83: Character of Shame 5
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this blog within a thought that said it’s something I must do, and but that it’s hard and difficult and bla bla bla and then pops up the question, ‘well, why not just not do it?’ loaded up with ‘I have a right to just not do it’ and then the justifications to support that ‘right’, because I am so tired, because I’m overwhelmed, because because because.
‘Because I have a right’. Seems to be the bottom line of this one. That is if I could somehow just be ‘right’ that would be enough, then I would not need the reasons and excuses that follow from ‘because’. Within this I accept that I do not need to be the cause, the cause of me is somehow catered for already within this right. So now I Be the Cause.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overlook, forget, suppress, re-interpret, distort and make it all so vague to me what the situation is which is that I have made an appointment with myself, which tonight I have accepted and allowed myself to seriously consider missing and to think about in my mind, knowing full well the only outcome of this thinking would be to just not do it. And yet I was quite cordial with this character, I did not notice how gradually I allowed myself to become possessed within and as it, and how I was gradually letting slip the moment of just shaking it off, but was gradually slipping into procrastination. And there was a moment of shame, that I did not do what I should have done, and it was a reaction to this shame that caused me to suddenly stand up and come to the table here and breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to something that I’ve done.
Today shows me to start the Self Forgiveness that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according a judgement that I have made of me according to something that I have NOT done.
More on this next blog.
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