Through the window, my eyes alight and focus on a clump of long grass ruffled in the wind; there is a momentary pleasure and I realize that this is like visiting a shrine of dedication to my illusions of inconsequence. That everything connects to everything is easily said, but uttered by a mind that continues to believe itself, it remains a lie, the posture of a character that acts the part. As I review my life and come across my own participation as these characters, the parts they’ve played, the consequences of the actions that I have accepted and allowed that has formed the physical history of my life and the physical effects upon the world, I realize more and more how this has been a history of a crusade of denial of my responsibility. And I realize that it’s still there, as I catch this starting point of seeking through my eyes an affirmation of inconsequence.
The character that seeks to hide from consequence is in the character of shame.
Putting on my jumper that ‘I’ prefer is ‘deep’ and ‘blue’, I recognize these characters of ‘deep’ and ‘blue’ combined, my ‘blueness’ justified within my mind as ‘deep’. An item of my invisibility suit of secrecy in which as fear and hope combined I might slip into the shadows of the world and have it to myself, this disconnected life without a consequence.
At the moment it seems that there is nowhere I can turn without another meeting with this character that I will continue to have meetings with until I can release it finally through this facing up to who I am in all it’s parts.
Evidence of this, as a constant reminder of the situation, is in discomfort in my right hand shoulder blade, and indeed it is that as I turn my physical head towards the right, this discomfort becomes intensified into pain. So I know there is a way to walk this character through my self-forgiveness, and I know also that this walk’s direction is into secrecy itself, and the main-stays of my secret mind.
Step by step. If I were to paint an image of this character of shame, it would be one crouching low with head down, in the shadows, shoulders hunched up high and hands over the eyes. And so I resonate with these lines from Matti Freeman’s Song :
“I will no longer close my eyes and hope and pray that who I am will go away…”
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