Day 78: Opening the character of Adam as Shame
Something that is really cool is being here with myself in writing me; it is because I’m here with me. Funny that the opposite has also been the case that I would have done so much to have avoided this so as to not be here with me. Thoughts that are in my head have no solution. This experience of me as thoughts is like a trauma that I have become accustomed to, and from within and as that trauma I have made and have allowed this character as fear with which to face the experience of actually looking at myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become. But then as I begin to walk with me and write out physical words, its ok because I am here with me and not as this self designed unresolvability of fear within my mind. And so I give myself the time with me to walk along. And breathe, and be with and within my body Here.
And so while starting to look upon this character of the one with ‘deep feelings’, I come to look at Shame. Because it is the character of shame that now obstructs my path. Taking myself personally I have selected a character and have not noticed how I accepted and allowed myself to become it as an experience of who I am. Seamlessly I have shifted through a transition into this experience of energy, as fear of shame, and so I have become as the locked door through which I want to walk.
Memory of Shame:
‘You should be ashamed of yourself.’ Accepting father’s advice of how I should be, I created this character of being ashamed of me as good within my father’s eyes. I did not recognize that ‘should’ was an indication of this image of myself within his mind, that I wasn’t living up to.
How did I come to understand what this ‘shame’ was that I was apparently supposed to be in order to be good and equalize myself with this unspoken image?
Interesting I remember now how in the church I took as ‘Adam’ the story of Adam and Eve personally, that in not doing what the father said, they ate the fruit, and discovered they were naked, and felt ashamed, ‘they hung their heads in shame because they knew they had done wrong’…and so I as this character of Adam came to feel ashamed of my nakedness, and specifically my penis, which ‘should’ be covered up.
So I formed a new and devastating relationship with my body, in which I had accepted and allowed that a part of me as physical was not acceptable and at the same time, that I should no longer enjoy the experience of me but hang my head, knowing that I had done wrong, and that this was shame. And I formed a new relationship within my mind that I was not in my father’s eyes what I should be, and therefore should be a-shamed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to explore exactly what is this experience of shame that I have accepted and allowed as a character within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear in shame and shame in fear. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear, to fear my shame, to be ashamed of fear and to be ashamed of shame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this character of fear of shame that functions in concealment and covering of shameful things, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away responsibility for who I am and even my awareness of who I am into the hands of this character of fear of shame to cover and conceal and to suppress.
I commit myself to open up this character of shame. I commit myself to walk with myself through this character of shame.
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