Day 76: Nice-guy and Fuck-you-guy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the other characters to not step out of character because otherwise my fake mind reality becomes unstable, and exposed, and I fear to realise that as character I am not real and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that from this starting point of fear for the character of spite to be required to force surrounding characters to stay in place in a fake reality that I impose.
Exposing, even to myself, the secret activities that go on in my mind as the character of Spite, even for a moment, would completely undermine this placid character of the nice-guy, and put it in jeopardy. That is why I am reacting to myself in fear of exposure, saying, “This is one I definitely do NOT want to go into”.
Secret mind: ‘After all, that spiteful thought, it was so quick, I could pretend LIE it never happened.’ As a character of the mind, this would be an option. The spite here would be turned inwards, to uphold a fake reality of mind through suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as real as who I am, this character in my mind of the ‘nice guy’, the one that lies about the presence of the Spiteful One, claiming that he’s long gone, and that only niceness now remains.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as real as who I am, this character of energy in my mind, this ‘Spiteful one.’
Exploring this spiteful thought, unfolding this macabre hell that I have accepted and allowed as me.
The context: standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil. A thought stream arising out of memory; a kitchen in another time and place, and a meeting with the face of ex-friend character who had apparently ‘let me down’, had apparently ‘deceived’ me, and towards whom I had felt anger and had then suppressed it. Here, a wave of regret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to become this character of regret, in which I am regretting that a relationship broke down, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that this was actually the choice I made in taking offense, and I just chose to experience it that way. It must have been that I valued the victim character and the advantages that might come from being wronged. So another game of ‘I am the victim character, and now you owe me.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upgrade this game to one in which I am regret.
What happened next in that instant of memory as I stood there was that a movement of energy slipped across my mind. Fast moving, as if retreating from a hit and run. Yes, there had been a sort of energetic jab towards his face, ‘You come back here, crawling back to me..bla bla’ (off into film script)
Interesting, because here I was seeking reconciliation with this actual being, in having his image before me, but then in choosing to present him to myself as ‘crawling back’ I had presented me in this relationship as swelling up superiority and ego righteousness, and suddenly possessed with spiteful power that knew no bounds. Like the revengeful spite character of the mad tyrant….‘I spit on you’.
Cinematic, Ridley Scott scale character, supercharged intensity that people call ‘larger than life’, Roman Emperor imagery; Haughtiness such as the character of Commodus in ‘Gladiator’ in relationship to Maximus. Massively bloating ego of self grandeur, epic proportions.
The hidden dagger up the white silk sleeve.
So yes a replay of ‘Gladiator’ in a fraction of a second in my mind. This was some of the contents of this flash of energy before it got overtaken by and submerged into the shadow of shame that was coming up behind it as a reaction to suppress it.
I do not accept awareness of this evilness of consciousness to be concealed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this character of shame as real as who I am.
But now I look at it this thought and see that what I had chosen to call a ‘crime’ actually was that he was a character exposed. I had ‘caught’ him on the hop, stepping from his nice-guy, friend of nice-guy character to his ‘fuck-you’ character. His ‘deceit’ was my realization that what I had believed as who he really was, was not real, and thus it was my own self-deception, and my fear as consciousness was that if he was a character then in our relationship that I as consciousness must be exposed as well, that the character that I had lived had also been a lie. So my starting point had been in and as fear of being not real.
His ‘crime’ had actually been what I had chosen as a character to experience as a threat. Thus the anger that I had suppressed had been suppressed to keep the nice-guy character mind reality intact, and the anger which now came up as a flash of spite towards this memory of his face was an anger with the purpose of holding down this character to be this character as something real.
Fuck You, Now I see you as you really are! Pointing, jabbing a finger, as at the point of this sword I hold you to this character to justify this character of me as righteous spite.
To impose reality upon the character of another being for the self interested purpose of justifying my own character as real. It’s like the focused pointing of the spite is to deliberately define and enforce the other character as real so as to maintain defend uphold the reality of this righteous character as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand this double edge of spite.
Something more here; that in ‘catching out’ this stepping from the nice-guy to the fuck-you character I had accepted and allowed this as permission to do the same; being in competition I could now take up the fuck-you role and do it even better with added more of me as righteousness.
4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support:
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