This is the developmental story of the separation of myself into and as energy and consciousness that then looked upon the question of how to make a structure in this host to feed it-self successfully, so as to survive; and how in Life that I became possessed with this consciousness disease of character-formation.
While acting out these structures of energy as characters in this charade of ‘life’ according to the mind, in stark terms there is the actual incident in physical reality that I left to die a living being in this world for the sake of seeking out an energy experience of more of me.
Stark: unpleasantly or sharply clear; impossible to avoid,
such as a child of skin and bone covered in sand and flies somewhere on the outskirts of the consumer entertainment money system of the world.
It Has to Stop.
So now, this seeking, searching character that I have accepted and allowed as me,
that resonates within the words of ‘On the Road’; I start to pull out all the strands of it. As I look at Authors, Stories, books, films, influences, and associations to the words of ‘On the Road’, I see that the building of this character was not from scratch but more of an assembly of off-the-peg, and ready-mades, and as such, consumer items…
‘Jack Kerouac’, ‘The Dharma Bums’, ‘The Electric Cool-Aid Acid Test’, ‘The Magic Bus’, ‘Bob Dylan’, ‘Tambourine Man’, ‘Easy Rider’, ‘Steppenwolf,’ ‘Herman Hesse’, ‘Journey to the East’, ‘Samuel Beckett’…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as ‘On the Road’, in being neither here nor there, but in ‘transition’, and as such to be not accountable, elusive, non-committal, slippery, anonymous, a blow-through town like tumble-weed in a spaghetti-western. /stop
(backchat: “How am I going to get through this if I stop at every ‘little’ thing?”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘the one who goes through things’, to get to somewhere else, rather than allowing myself to remain here with myself in patience and go into this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be this character as judgment in my mind as arbiter of where and how to properly proceed in self forgiveness of myself as character within my mind.)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as a lone-rider, the stranger that blows through town, to not have taken time to stop and examine who I am in these words I almost passed as this ‘spaghetti-western’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as ‘On the Road’, to have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ‘on the map’ and in ‘the system’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act the part of being ‘one of the dispossessed’, to hide within being ‘trashed’, to represent myself as the victim in ‘no one cares for me’, therefore why should I care for anyone, and also therefore you owe me, the world owes me.
Here we go, me as this anonymous character played by Clint Eastwood. Lol. Why does that seem funny? This laughter comes up in me as a response to backchat in my mind, where suddenly I have shifted in amongst these characters I both fear and have respect for, and I am in the situation of ‘them’ having a good long spiteful laugh at ‘me’ for having the audacity to talk about my relationship, or that I have a relationship with this character of ‘Clint Eastwood’.
In the film version of this backchat there would be a scene in which the village-idiot is caught in the act of trying out the hero’s hat, seeing how he looks in it in the mirror, seeing how it feels to simulate the Stranger. And within the energetic trauma of my backchat of self-judgement, then this laugh comes up in me, that I actually laugh along with other characters’ spite of me, in spite of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to join in with other characters’ ridicule of me as me in which I would rather spite myself than to fall out of company of characters by stepping out of character and so accept and allow myself to stay in role in this case as the ‘amusing fool’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the character of this ‘amusing fool’, and then to have believed that that is who I am, and to have lived a life of shame in which I kept my head down so long as I could hang out somewhere on the board-walks of this ‘film’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away (as the character that ducks behind the curtain of a window) from examining the part I have played as the ‘hero’ of this ‘film’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ride in to this world and see the problems that beset it, to realize I have the power to intervene, and yet not to care, because my eyes are set on business far away.
More on this next blog.
4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support:
Perspectives on ‘Character’ in these blogs:
7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
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