Day 54: My Malevolence Exposed 1
I was walking along the road with a garden rake under my arm (as one does), when, coming towards me came a young man pushing a bicycle. In my mind I scanned to see if this was someone that I ‘knew’, to see if this situation was or was not that I was being met by some past relationship that I had avoided or had in some way left as incomplete, which checked out negative. But I experienced some fear. Like there was a possibility that I may now have to face myself. Having satisfied or self-deceived myself that I would not have to face myself, I relapsed into privacy and separation, content within the definition of ourselves as strangers, as if this was an insignificant event, just a maneuver of pedestrians. As he passed I saw his eyes drift down to check what I was carrying. In my mind I made this interpretation of his face, that what I saw was fear. At this point triggers my demonic side, and for a moment in my mind I am carrying a weapon, and then up pop horror files and scenes imprinted ‘just in case’ from Hollywood, ready in one moment for a fight. Well I breathe, I turn these thoughts off before they actually unfold, and I melt my horns back out of sight. I melt that warrior strength out of my arm, I reassure my grasp around the handle of my garden rake, and I walk on, all civilized again.
In ‘My Fear Companion’, Anu talks about how at one point he developed a ‘poker face’ to cope with being surrounded by beings that were on the look out for him to make a mistake, and how he felt vulnerable and was hiding his doubt, disguising his fear, making sure there were no ‘tells’, because amongst these beings there would be one waiting to exploit a weakness, waiting to manipulate another through their fears.
Seeing all this stuff in me, I commit myself to expose to me the evil natures that I have accepted and allowed as me. Understanding that I’ve played both sides of this game, in which playing one side or another I have given my permission for them both; I’ve lived in fear of being exploited through my fears while at the same time I have taken opportunities to undermine, destabilize, and diminish other beings in passing thoughts, in casual gossip, and as if sometimes by ‘invitation’.
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