Asking what is the nature of this energy that I have become, I had ‘come up’ two memories from early childhood, perhaps the earliest of all. Both of them not exactly dreams but more like halfway sleep and consciousness experiences. They were both repeaters, coming back and back like favourite nightmares, and recognizing them in advance was part of their horror, that I was unable to stop them coming.
In the first of these, I would be drifting into sleep and any picture in my mind would start to shrink in a specific way, it would shrink and shrink and twist into a stick like shape and shrink into a needle, and then when the feeling of this shrinkingness and stick-like-ness within my body had become almost unbearable, then it would begin to grow and grow and become fatter and fatter and more and more bloated until the feeling of this bloatedness throughout my body had become almost unbearable, when suddenly, it would start to shrink again and the whole cycle would start over. If I changed the image in my mind, then that would too become subjected to this process, so there was no escape from it, I simply had to wait for it to go.
In the second of these memories, I would have my ear upon the pillow, and I would hear my pulse, and this would be the signal for the dream to start, in which a train was coming. And again there was no escape from this experience.
What and how and why the train evoked such fear? (Cartoons maybe) Whatever, it was an image of a thing which could not be stopped, or change direction. A machine that ran its course along the tracks regardless of the situation, which was me.
Why did people tie each other down to railway tracks in children’s cartoons?
So asking what is the nature of this energy that I became, it was me as fear in separation from it, from my mind and from my body, fearing the experience that was in store for me, while at the same time knowing from repetition what it was going to be.
In both these memories are records of being trapped in and subjected to experience that ‘can’t be stopped’. Records of how I allowed myself as squeezed and stretched and threatened by the workings of my mind. Records of me watching over and over the same horror film as the consequence of energy as me not realising that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and therefore am both powerless to leave or turn it off and powerless to stop the same reactions, and powerless to wake up and realize that it’s a dream.
More on this to come…
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