Day 44: Grovelling, and ‘I Can’t Stop Doing It’
Having posted yesterday’s blog, a realization came up which was how ‘I Can’t do it’ developed out of my acceptance of being ‘Not Good Enough’, which I looked at in Day 25, and Day 26. And arising out of ‘I Can’t do it’, comes up ‘I Can’t Stop doing it’, and with this the issue of addiction.
Yesterday, the word ‘Grovelling’ came up.
Shit I’ve got reactions going on to this one alright, this word grovelling is full of negative charge, and I really do not want to look at it at all.
I have to breathe through this one now, this picture of me in the act of grovelling, because it’s not going to go away. Exposed in self-abasement, utterly devoid of self-respect.
Just like when the situation of the ‘country’ is in ‘danger’, and the government gains power, control; in the mind the back-chat gains authority in the presence of fear. In this situation its role is more as dictator/protector, and what might have been suggestion or inducement, became commands. It’s martial law, its do Not Fucking go there. It’s as if the survival of the mind itself depends upon this grovelling.
So this would be about accepting fear and then giving the authority to the back-chat, and facing who I am towards it in the act of grovelling.
It’s getting very late, but just for starters:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the end/loss of my possession/energy addiction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ashamed of lacking self-respect that I have not dared to look upon this act of grovelling before the mind.
I will continue into this tomorrow.
I commit myself to stop/expose/investigate myself as who I am within this grovelling before the mind.
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