I can see now how the consequences of being ‘notgoodenough’, together with my strategy of secretly bending the rules and redefining the game so that I could get my own reward by winning in my mind, how it spread into my future. Somehow I had manifested a family situation in which all doors were closed or were depleted of reward, and they sank into the background of my days.
Later, the memory would become defined within and as my ‘tragedy’, a treasury of blame and regret and negative energy experience.
The practicalities of learning things at school lay somehow out of reach. Taking me as not good enough into the classroom had been disastrous and I withdrew more and more into daydreaming pre-occupation and distraction. The skills I developed were all about getting out of things, and finding ways to twist the rules.
I never once considered what would happen if I managed to slip through school without learning anything, but in my mind within my magic world I was waiting in hope that something would certainly come into bloom and blossom, because my life was ‘special’ and ‘enchanted’. Like my position was somewhere between, Once upon a time… and… They all lived happily ever after.
‘Mystery’ and puzzlement and the pursuit of curiosity became favorite occupations in my mind. I came to see Mystery as the dramatic background of Existence, not realizing that this ‘mystery’ was in my mind as all and everything suppressed and that this ‘mystery’ was energetic, that I was poised between hope and fear, promise and waiting. I did not see that I had turned Life into a ‘mystery’ any more than I could see that I had replaced myself with energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an example in the world of myself as the brutality of self interested consciousness, as the willingness to cheat and swindle, as the hope of finding a shortcut so that I can win, at any cost to anything or others and I commit myself to through writing and self forgiveness and self correction walk out of this energy system step by step that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
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