Day 25: Being ‘Notgoodenough’.
Being ‘Notgoodenough’, and secretly the Winner. This is a start in opening up a point that has been shrouded, protected by shame, and I see it turning up in instances right through my life, and I recognize it as a central theme. The issues of procrastination, laziness, and regret, that I have explored in previous blogs all seem to fit into this as aspects of this larger system.
Interesting how in absorbing this assessment of self of not being good enough the words should form into a self definition as, ‘I’ ‘Am’ ‘Notgoodenough’. Within that statement of who I am I see and recognize now this energetic ‘I’ of consciousness choosing to become and live within the structure of as Notgoodenough. I have not yet traced this back to a first moment that I said, ok, this is who I am, this is how I am going to get my energy to survive, but I see myself in various settings, standing apart from a group, as ‘Notgoodenough’, the definition written beneath each setting, being ‘Notgoodenough’ at… whatever. So like in this one; here is ‘Notgoodenough’ at, riding a bicycle, in which ‘Notgoodenough’ is not actually riding a bicycle but standing on the edge of the playground watching others riding theirs’. My history looks like a repeated image of self as ‘Notgoodenough’ standing at the side of things.
Negative experiences of this as less-than, regret, self-pity, shame, self anger, self hatred, ruthless self judgement, blame and spite, fear. The self judgement carries positive properties because in viciously devouring myself I am being very ‘good’ at it, rejoicing in self righteousness and hope. Totally engulfed in energetic being, I am standing at the side of god, and right, ‘at the side of’ this being that doesn’t exist, pouring scorn on myself. So in this part of the cycle, how to profit and reap a reward; justify the negative, from I can’t compete as a loser, ‘I could have been a contender’ as regret, I change the definition of the situation in my mind world into, different rules of the game, into ‘I am getting away with it’, ‘I have won because I don’t have to do anything’, and …‘this world has nothing to do with me’.
So through trickery and self deceit I secretly win the competition. In the new position of ‘not having to do anything’, comes the justification of procrastination and the development of laziness, and comes along a retirement from activity and base setting of boredom and soon enough, an energetic refill becomes necessary, entertainment or self flagellation, and back through the paths of regret.
So competition in doing the least, according to the insane rules of this energy system, in which I become the elite, in doing nothing. Self hatred and totally anti self life would exist within the unconscious, bursts of inturned rage with self, stabs of shock fear in momentary consciousness of suppressed images and memories of points of self judgement, self condemnation and self victimhood. Sometimes I would react to one of these stabs by coming to a complete standstill, frozen, a shock of fear that came and went, another chance to self undermine and mine the substance to refuel the cycle. Into where, a medium of excuses and justifications and self manipulations to bring about the positivity and evolution of this self as energy in having won by secret rules.
Looking for loop holes in the law, for the purpose of fulfiilling the needs of self interest within the actual rules of the school system, and so being ‘untouchable’, I see images of myself in school winning by being outrageous; like singing very loudly, off-key, and half a beat or two behind the others, slipping the wrong words into psalms, clapping ridiculously loud and long, or laughing really loud and long at the wrong moments, wearing hair not merely short but cut off altogether, wearing the school uniform, but not as we would know it, playing truant while apparently studying hard in libraries that did not exist, feigning sickness or injury ‘to get out of’ physical activity. The evolution of the artful dodger through the being of ‘Notgoodenough’.
It seems to be supportive for me to make an outline of all these points, get a perspective on these relationships I have made, which fit together in this network. Understanding that the workings of this machinery are limited in nature makes me realize how I can in fact stand up and become one and equal to this system and change it, so I commit myself to change remove this limitation on myself, and move my starting point out of this system of energy as self interest that I have lived and so become.
To be continued…
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